Chapter 10 On hold

Over the weekend, I work on stuff for English. The space this paragraph takes up doesn't do justice to the amount of time I spent re-writing those essays. I wrote and wrote. And edited. And read and re-read. I forgot about eating dinner because I was so busy. I almost said 'focused', but I don't think I was really that focused. I didn't enjoy it- I just want to pass English.
Ugh. I can't believe I spent so much time on something I don't even care about.
Looking at the red lines that Mrs. Billings had marked on my first essays, I couldn't figure out what I did wrong or how to make it different, sometimes I just wanted to give up and rip the paper.

I asked Beth to help me, but she was getting ready for a date with James. "He's going away again Sunday night." She reminded me. Then she left me to watch Ben and Rae for the next three hours.
Even though James is away driving all the time, I feel like she gets to see him more than I get to see Drew. I haven't seen Drew since Thanksgiving, but we talk on the phone every night.
Drew keeps asking me about school every time he calls me. Maybe I should have him look at my essays, except Beth doesn't want him over while she's not here. So stupid. We aren't gonna do anything. She brings James back here, so hypocritical or whatever the word is.
Anyways, Drew is sort of getting annoying with bugging me about school all the time. I mean, I already have Randy on me about it, I don't need anyone else. And after I spent my whole holiday weekend re-writing those dumb essays, no one should be bugging me at all.
I decided to write some poems for the extra credit. I'm not really sure how to go at it, but I have to do something, quickly. I only have a few weeks before the end of the semester.
Should I even bother with this? I mean, re-taking English wouldn't be that bad. And there's no sure thing I'll pass anyway. Why should I spend this much time if there is still a chance that I'll just fail?

I finally finished my re-writing the English essays. I didn't do any of my homework, but I'll try to do it later. I made Rae and Ben go to bed about an hour later than they were supposed to. I lost track of time. But Beth wasn't home, so she won't know. Ben fell asleep right away, he was so tired. Rae wanted me to brush her hair before she went to bed. So I brushed it until it was soft and shiny. Rae hugged my shoulders and gave me a light kiss on the cheek.
"Night, night, Jemma."
She might be a brat, but every once in a while she was a sweet little girl.
I turned off the light and watched her put her head down on the pillow and close her eyes. She'll fall asleep soon, she looks tired.

I talk to Drew on the phone. Of course he asks about my homework, and is actually surprised that I finished re-writing both essays.
"Do you have no faith in me?"
He laughs. "Sorry. I just didn't expect you to spend your whole day!"
"I'm tired."
"I was thinking." Drew begins.
"Uh oh- should I be scared?"
"Well, since Thanksgiving didn't end as the best day ever, and you've been so busy-- we should go on a real date."
I sat up a little bit.
We decide to go out for dinner Monday night, and I can't wait.

Monday comes, and when I get home from school, Ben is outside, playing with dead, damp leaves. He greets me with a handful of them.
Beth is home, messing around in the kitchen.
"Hey Jemma."
"Hi."
The house looks dark. The kitchen light seems more dim than normal and its chilly inside. Everything seems dreary, like Ben's leaves.
"Rae, would you color in your room?" Beth says, pushing Rae away from the living room and to her bedroom.
I am still in the dark kitchen, my shoes and jacket still on. I realize why the kitchen looks dark; Beth pulled the curtains back over the windows.
"What's up?"
Beth takes a seat at the kitchen table and turns over a notebook with writing on it.
"There is good news. I got a job."
That didn't take long. Everything will be fine.
"A cashier, again."

Beth doesn't look happy about it, though. "The problem is, it's part-time. Only 25 hours a week."
She pushes the notebook towards me. "I've been calculating everything and with Christmas coming up and the winter stuff... we just can't do it."
Beth had a list of items- rent, groceries, and an estimate for heat as well as an item for "Christmas" which took $150 dollars. The amount she had estimated to make every month at her new job didn't cover all the items on the list.
"I need you to help out, Jemma. I know it's asking a lot, but we need you right now. It won't be for forever, just for the next few months. I'm hoping to get something else, more money, full-time. Until then, could you get a job?"
My palms start sweating and I rub my hands together to make them dry. The chair I'm sitting in feels like it's shrinking and I'm lower to the ground than I was two minutes ago. I blink my eyes and squeeze my hands against each other, feeling the heat between my palms.
I realize I am slowly nodding- with my eyes locked in place but not really seeing anything. I blink again and the focus comes back, I am nodding at the notebook in front of me. Family. Family comes first. And then I nod with the intent for it to be a response to Beth.

I forgot about my date with Drew, and started eating dinner with Beth and the kids. Half-way through my salad I jumped up and ran to my bedroom to get dressed.
I look through the pile of clothes on the floor and some shirts draped on hangers to find something nicer than what I'm already wearing. I go for some dark, not stained jeans and a sweater. I put in some dangly earings and a necklace, but I don't have time to put on any make-up before Drew arrives.
Drew showed up right on time, looking wonderful with rain-covered hair and smiling when he saw me. We run through the rain, Drew trying to cover us with the umbrella, but you can't run and hold an umbrella effectively. The subway was crowded with others dashing from the rain. Some were just people sitting off to the sides of the stairs or playing instruments in an sheltered area.
Drew and I squished next to each other on a seat meant for one and tried to avoid the dripping coats of other passengers.
"Where are you taking me?"
Drew grinned, but wouldn't tell. We pass three stations. At the forth, Drew stands up and pulls me with him. We dash down exactly two blocks, and at the corner of the second Drew pulled open a door and we ran out of the rain. Its a cute little restaurant with small candles on each table and waiters in white dress shirts.
It seems expensive, but Drew says it's okay because we haven't really been on a date in a long time, it's like interest on a debt, or something.
We eat off each other's plates and talk about our friends. It was a wonderful night.
I didn't tell Drew about the job.
I can't exactly say what would be wrong with it- I mean, Drew has a job. Isn't it supposed to be a good thing when someone my age gets a job? Learning responsibility... being mature... something like that?
I almost feel scared to tell him. Which is stupid. I shouldn't feel scared. Maybe that's not the right word... maybe I just know him well enough to know his reaction.
It would ruin our night. And the next two days.
I'll tell him. I mean, I don't want to lie to him or not tell him something on purpose. But just not now, on this wonderful night together.

It stopped raining. But now it's cold.
The winter lights are already up along the poles, some shaped like snowflakes, another that looks like a bell. I like when people wrap the dead, naked trees in white lights, the trees look so depressing during the day, but at night they look beautiful.
We walk a few blocks, but it's pretty cold, so we head back to the subway.


In the morning, Beth helps make breakfast. She's leaving for work right away.
"Jemma, I'll be back at two, so I can watch Rae and Ben."
"Okay."
"Jemma."
I'm almost out the door. She doesn't have to say it, I know what she's talking about. Actually, I would like her to not say it. I don't want to hear the words. "Okay!" I yell and dash out the door because I don't want to hear the actual words.
Right after school, I fill out applications for jobs at near-by fast food places that are always hiring. At the last one I go to the manager comes out and shakes my hand. He invites me to sit at a booth in the back and asks some cliche questions.
"Why would you like to work here?"
Because I want a pay check. "I like people and would like to do something that means working with people."
"Describe yourself in three words."
Human. Female. Teenager. "Helpful. Mature. And polite." Polite? Ugh, that sounds so cheesy.
I got the job.
I look back to the other employees- they are all wearing dark-blue visors and slumping their shoulders.
I can start on Thursday.
Yay.

I walk back home. My backpack feels heavy and full of homework. Almost a week's worth, now.
They started eating dinner without me. Rae and Ben are playing with their maccaroni and Beth is demanding that they eat it.
"Hey Jemma."
I grab a plate from the cupboard and take a seat.
"I got a job."

Chapter 9 Turkey

Thanksgiving.

Beth is awake first, and makes the turkey. I mean, she puts the turkey in the oven. I make the mashed potatoes from a box and dump green beans and canned soup in a pan for green bean casserole. I just follow the directions on the soup can, it's pretty easy.

Beth decorates with Rae and Ben's school crafts- hand-traced cut-outs that look like turkeys with thumb-shaped heads and exactly four feathers. She puts a nice tablecloth and candle on the table.

I get ready for dinner with Drew's family. Brown pants, blue sweater. I even curl my hair and use enough hair spray to make my hair stiff, just to make the curls stay. It takes me ten minutes to apply all the make-up. Okay, not really ten minutes, but longer than usual. I want to look nice.

James arrives, holding an apple pie he bought from the grocery store yesterday. He hugs Rae and Ben and tells me “Happy Thanksgiving.”

“I'm not staying. I'm having dinner with my boyfriend and his parents.”
“Oh. So just the family here for dinner?”
Uhh... what's that supposed to mean? I'm family. But I don't say anything, I just give him my best dirty-look and briefly make a plan to lick his spoon or something- but I don't know where he'll be sitting, so I just ignore him.

Drew knocks at the door. He's standing in the doorway, dressed in a nice button-down shirt and his nicest pair of jeans. Smelling really good. He looks great, handsome, even.

“You look pretty.”

I smile. “You too.”

I yell “Have a good day!” over my shoulder as I leave. No one responds. I just shut the door behind me.

Drew got a cab, and I feel rich sitting in the back, talking while we drive to his parent's house. Usually, I would have been nervous, but I'm too busy feeling important, looking out the window as we drive by. The sidewalks downtown are nearly empty and it feels like it's early in the morning, with the gray sky, cold air and quiet streets.

Drew's mom opens the door and shows me this huge smile. She hugs Drew and then turns to me with her arms spread apart- she hugs me, too. But I wasn't prepared to hug her back, so my arms just hang against my sides, squished against my hips and ribs when she squeezes me.

“I'm so glad that you could come!” She says, cheerfully.

Drew's dad waves 'hi' from across the living room. He comes over, and after the 'how are you' and 'how is work/school' bit, he tells me some lame joke that I smile at, but can't even fake a laugh for. He's nice, though and not creepy like Drew's mom.

Drew introduces me to his cousins, Amanda and Jamie: Amanda is a girl but looks sort of like a guy with her short hair back in a pony-tail and baggie pants, and Jamie is a boy but looks more like the girl in tight pants and a tight shirt. They don't ask me too many questions, and I keep seeing Jamie's eyes twitch at the TV, until he lets the conversation fade and gives it all of his attention. Drew's aunt, Aunt Liz is there, too. She is a little older than Drew's mom, but has more laugh lines than Mrs. Simmons will ever have. She sits beside me at the table- Drew on one side of me, Aunt Liz on the other.

I haven't eaten yet today, so when the meal starts, all I want to do is pig out. Aunt Liz wants to get to know me better. Nice, but really, I'm never going to see her again. I quickly swallow, which nearly chokes me and I start coughing and have to take a drink of water. My eyes are watering.

“Sorry. What did you ask?”
“What grade are you in?”
“Well, sort of eleven, sort of ten.”

“Hmm?” Aunt Liz asks. I should just have said eleven. Now I've given Mrs. Simmons more reason to not like me, now she'll think I'm not good enough for her son because either I'm too young, or I'm too stupid.

“In some of my classes, I am in ten and in others, eleven.”

“How old are you?”

I want to sound like I am advanced for my grade, instead of behind. But I can't lie. “Sixteen.” And now you think I'm too young to be with Drew.

“That's interesting.” Aunt Liz says, in a way I can tell she is trying to make me feel better or maybe end the subject.

“So you're advanced for your age?” Mrs. Simmons asked.

I look to Drew, who is drinking water and not even looking at me. Thanks a lot. “A few years ago, I moved around a lot and missed some school. I am supposed to be in the eleventh grade. I am trying to catch up.” Not that I am doing too good of a job at that right now. I should just lie. Why didn't I lie?

“Yeah, Jemma's been awesome about working hard at school.” Drew steps in. Thanks, a little late.

“Where did you move from?” Aunt Liz.

“Just here, in the city.” Now I really sound like I'm just a loser.

“So, what about your family? I would love to hear about them” Aunt Liz seems nice, I'm sure she's not meaning to make me seem like this freak that is just creating diversity at their dinner table.

“Well... my dad works on cars.” That's true. Maybe we can move on to another subject.

“And your mom?”

“Actually, I live with my aunt.”

Aunt Liz knows enough not to push it anymore. There is silence for a little while at the table. Jamie and Amanda don't say anything, they just eat. Amanda keeps texting on her cellphone and Jamie leans around to look at the television.

We clean off the table and wait an hour to let our stomach's rest. After we are able to move again, it's time for dessert. I spray the whipped cream on the pies before we hand them out in the living room. Mr. Simmons picked some family-friendly movie for everyone to watch while they unbutton their too tight pants and feel sleepy on the couch. Aunt Liz puts slices of pumpkin and apple pie on little dessert plates and Amanda takes them to the living room.

“Jemma, I'm sorry if I was too nosey.” Aunt Liz apologizes.

“Oh, it's not a big deal.” I shrug.

“How did you and Drew meet?” That should be a safe one, I'm sure she's thinking. Maybe I'll say we met at a kegger, or he sold me marijuana. That would be mean, even though Drew and I would laugh about it for weeks later. I just tell the truth- gym class.

“And how long have you been dating?”
“Like, a year and a half- a little less.”

“Wow, that's a long time.” I can't tell if she is impressed, or scared that Drew might stay with me for that long.

“What are your plans after high school?”

“Right now, I have to focus on just finishing high school.” Wow, I actually wasn't planning on saying that. I hope I don't sound like a loser who isn't going to graduate.

Mrs. Simmons comes into the kitchen. “Jemma, what do you want to do after you graduate?”

Ugh- what's she asking for? Because Drew went to work instead of doing what she wanted after he graduated? "I plan on going to college."

“Really? Which one?”
“I've been offered a scholarship to State.” Of course it's a lie, and she probably knows it. I just admitted I was behind in school, I'm sure she won't believe me.

“That's wonderful! Good for you.” I can't tell if she is being genuine, or using some strategy to make me feel bad.

I sit beside Drew on the couch. He puts his arm around me and tells his dad a funny story about a rude customer. The movie starts and someone turns off all the lights in the house so we feel like we're in some sort of movie theater with a tiny screen. Jamie and Amanda don't talk, but laugh the loudest at the movie. Aunt Liz makes little comments throughout the whole movie and Mr. Simmons keeps making fun of her in a joking way to get her to stop. Mrs. Simmons is silent, but she's sitting next to me.

Drew pulls me closer and kisses me on the cheek during a sappy scene near the end of the movie. I see Mrs. Simmons shift her eyes and give Drew a disapproving look. She does a head jerk, insinuating he's doing too much. She shifts her weight to the other end of the couch and Drew loosens his arm's hold around me. “Sorry.” He mumbles, to his mom, not me.

I try to cuddle more against him, but it's obvious he's not comfortable with his mom staring the way she is.

I go to get my coat, and stand near the door waiting for our taxi to arrive. I say good-bye to Aunt Liz, the cousins and Drew's dad. Drew is talking with his mom. Actually, he's nearly yelling, I can hear him- not his mom, only him.

“Mom! I've told you a hundred times- it's my decision!”

And then Drew comes out, his face red. He says a nice good-bye to his cousins, aunt and dad. He grabs my hand and leads me down the front steps. Thankfully, the cab just arrives and we don't have to stand out in the cold. Drew doesn't talk for much of the way home.

“Did you tell my mom you were going to State?”

Now I feel a little embarrassed. “Sorry.”

He doesn't say anything else back, just stares ahead. I want to know what his mom said, what exactly they argued about. But I can't think of how to say it and I don't want to make him more mad.

"Why did you have to even say anything?"
"Because of your nosey aunt!"
"Jemma, that doesn't mean you have to lie!"
"What was I supposed to say? That I'm a loser who's behind in school? That I'm failing. That Randy thinks I need to take special tests because I have a disability? Oh- yeah, why didn't I mention that I see a counselor once a week! You wanted me to lie!"
Drew stays looking angry for a little while again, then says “Are you really going to fail?”

“No!” I yell. Well, I'm not going to fail math and science. Mind your own business! But I can't say that part, because somehow, it is Drew's business. I want to rail him about his job- that he isn't in college and what good did high school ever do him for the job he has now?

I was going to go to Drew's apartment, but not now.

“I'm going home.” I announce, pulling out money to pay the difference in the taxi fare.

“Put your money away.” Drew says.

I slam the car door and run into the house. The 'whole family' is watching a movie, all squished onto the same couch together. I don't want anyone to know I was fighting with Drew, so I pull up a chair beside the family on the couch and pretend to laugh at the movie, but I'm not really watching it. After an hour, the phone rings. It's my dad.

“Happy Thanksgiving.” 

He had called earlier, but I was gone. He had Thanksgiving with his girlfriend and her family. It was good and he gained about five pounds just this afternoon. He needs a nap, but wanted call first. He doesn't say 'stick straight' this time. He just tells me to have a good day, 'Jem'.

The phone rings again. It's Drew. “Hey, I'm sorry.” are his first words. I just listen on the phone. “When you said that you wanted to go to college after you graduated, my mom went psycho. Do you even want to go to college- or did you just say that to tick my mom off?"
I'm not sure. So I don't answer.

"If you want to go to college, that's great. Whatever you want to do."

I'm not sure what to say. Am I supposed to apologize for something?

I realize I'm in the kitchen, and James is listening to my phone conversation. I take the phone to my bedroom and shut the door behind me.

“But I shouldn't have yelled at you. I'm sorry.”

“It's okay.”

“Did you lie?”
“About what?!” Crappy apology, if you're going to accuse me right away.

“About failing.”
Oh, yeah, the part where I maybe did lie? He always knows, I can't lie to him.“Sort of. I'm good in most of my classes, but English isn't looking too good and I don't even have a hope in Spanish.”

“Did you feel bad when you had to explain about what grade you were in?”

Maybe. I mean, I know Aunt Liz didn't mean anything bad.

“Jemma, I don't care about that, you know that, right?”
Suddenly I feel a little sad. I feel my sinuses burning. “How could I go to school?” And when I did, I couldn't do the homework. I didn't know what was going on! “When I moved in with Beth, they put me in the retard classes. Then I had special teachers. It was only in eighth grade that they started to put me in normal classes for my grade.” 

"So... like, when Randy was talking about taking tests-?"

I nodded, but Drew couldn't see it through the phone. "I hate him. I just wanted to punch him or something!"

“So, what's gonna happen?"

I don't understand what he's asking. If I fail, I repeat those classes. He knows that. “I'm trying. Really.”

I say a quick good-bye on the phone and immediately start crying into my pillow. This is stupid. I don't even know why I'm so upset. I know it's not about school. It's not even about Mrs. Simmons. But I can't stop crying.

I hear Rae giggle and Beth laugh in the living room. I wish James wasn't here. I stay in my room for a while longer, finishing my moping. I'm being stupid. Finally I just wash my face in the bathroom- the make-up I worked so hard on washes down the sink.

James is just about to leave when I come out to be sociable. We say all our good-byes. Beth takes a nap and Rae begs to me put in on some kid's video. Ben and I do a puzzle together. The rest of the evening is quiet, boring.

Chapter 8 Bluish Clouds

I tell Beth about the meeting with Mrs. Billings.
"Are you in trouble?"
"I don't think so."
"Then what's the meeting about?"
"I think it's about my grades." I admit.
"What about them?"
I look at my feet. "I'm sort of almost failing." I said it quietly, but I know Beth heard me.
"Well, with Rae and Ben, I can't come. Bring any papers home and I'll sign them."

Tuesday, I have my guitar lessons. I really like them. Mr. Evans taught me how to do a scale. I feel like I'm learning a lot. He thinks I practiced since we last met because I remembered everything. By the end of the hour, I was watching Mr. Evans play notes written on paper- a simple song. I watch his fingers and how long he strums. Then he says for me to try it. I hesitate, but Mr. Evans helps me get started and reminds me that I'm practicing, not performing.

"Do you ever play in public?" I ask Mr. Evans.
"Sure!" He says, with a smile as he puts his gleaming guitar back in it's case.
"Where?"
"Some pubs and lounges." He winks at me. "Sorry, you'll have to wait until I play in a coffee shop to watch me live."
I grin back.
"Do you play with a band or something?"
"Not usually, just me and my guitar." He pats the guitar case like it's a pet.
"What do you play?"
"Songs I've written, mostly." I was going for jazz or country. I had no idea my old history teacher who knows all about wars and stuff is actually cool enough to write his own songs. I almost imagined him singing a love song, but that was too much- he probably sings about nature and history stuff.
"How can you do that?"
"What?"
"Just... like play your own songs?"
"Sure, it's unnerving the first time or so. But people are usually less judgmental of your work that you might think." He snapped the latches on his case to close it and stood to leave.
"Do you write songs?" He asks me, as he locks the door behind us.
"No." I shake my head. I would never play my songs for anyone.
"Believe me, as you learn to play guitar those creative juices will start flowing and you'll be writing songs."

"Its so cold!" Steph says when I meet her at the playground. Her nose and ears are pink. Rae and Ben's cheeks are both a rosy-pink from the cold, but they were having fun and don't want to leave.
"Beth will be mad if you guys get sick!" And I want to leave as soon as possible, to get home before Beth.
Beth knew I was taking free music lessons, but some part of me was nervous because I wasn't watching Rae and Ben. Beth didn't know that part; I wanted her to think that I just came home after school and watched them. And with the fight this weekend, I didn't want Beth to have any reason to say anything about me not doing my part to responsibly watch them.

Beth came back ten minutes after we returned to the house. I put fries in the oven and grill hot dogs on the stove. Beth hardly notices me when she comes in, she says a weak 'hello' and drops everything by the kitchen table. Her high heeled shoes, her purse and some papers.
She is still taking a shower when dinner is ready. We wait for her, but she comes out with her wet hair pulled up in a towel-turban and says she isn't hungry.
I make Rae and Ben both eat some carrot sticks before they can have seconds on fries- one carrot stick for every year of their age.
Finally, Beth comes out and asks if anyone wants ice cream for desert. Rae cheers "yippee!" and begs to put chocolate syrup on hers. Ben puts marshmallows in his. I melt some peanut butter in the microwave until it's warm and runny and pour it over mine.
Beth makes Rae and Ben take their baths, and they take turns, doing their homework while the other is in the tub. Rae had to follow the development of a caterpillar into a butterfly and after labeling the stages, color the pictures. I wish my science homework was like that. Thankfully, I had Patrick to help me out.
Rae goes to take a bath and Ben comes out in his cute car-patterned pajamas and his hair-still wet is half plastered to the side of his face, and half sticking straight up. He sits beside me, smelling like the fruity kid shampoo. I read with him, but he falls asleep, leaning against me before we finish.

I am in my room, finishing up my homework for science when Beth calls me. She's sitting in the nearly-dark living room. The TV is on, but it's muted and Beth isn't watching it, she's looking at her hands.
"I have some bad news."
I sit down beside her on the couch. My mind starts running with all the options of 'bad news' and I have to tell myself to shut up before I get too anxious.
"I lost my job."
Oh. The room starts expanding slightly and I inhale a large gulp of air to bring it back to size.
"We're gonna be okay." I tell Beth, in my most encouraging voice.
"I didn't get fired, or something- they just found someone permanent."
"I'm sorry. That sucks." We're gonna be okay- Beth's lost temp positions before, but she always manages to find a way to get things done.
"Listen. I don't want Rae and Ben to know."
Yeah, they are kids, they shouldn't have to worry about that.
"I won't say anything." I promise.
I can tell Beth feels really guilty, either about leaving Rae and Ben on Friday night or because of the job situation. She doesn't talk anymore, and I take that as my cue to leave. I get up and go back to my room. I just have to sleep now, there is no point to try to finish my science questions- I'll just copy off of Patrick.

I get a note in class from Mrs. Billings, reminding me that I'm supposed to meet with her today after school. Steph isn't in class, which I'm glad for. I wouldn't want to explain. Steph's not an 'A' student, but she's not failing English, or any other classes.
At lunch, I sit with Erina and Miles. "Where's Steph?"
"Skippin'." Erin says.
"Really? Isn't she already grounded?" Her scam didn't work out that well on Friday. Even if she tells the best lies ever, she's still going to be on more than a weekend cleaning.
"Yeah, that's why she's skipping. It's the only way she can have a date."
"With Felix?" Miles and I giggle.
"I never took him for a 'bad kid'." I'm referring to Felix skipping school.
"He just really likes her." Erin says.
"Too bad Steph'll end it next week." Miles and I giggle again.
"So what do you do on a date in the middle of the day?"
"Think about it- parents at work." Miles says- as if he's the one who invented it.
"Genius! Because if the school calls because she's skipping, she can just delete the message!" Sometimes, Steph really is brilliant in her schemes.

I hang out with Miles and Patrick after school- this time I know Beth will be home. We have burgers and listen to the buskers in the subway. Miles does his crazy dancing to the beats of this guy drumming for change. When he's finished dancing, three people give him some change. We all laugh and counted the eighty-two cents he got. "Man! This job's pay sucks!" Miles kept the eighty-two cents, but I don't know what he can do with that small of an amount.

I go back into the school. This time, a security guy asks to see my pass. I show him the note from Mrs. Billings and he watches to make sure I walk in the direction of her room. Really? I look like I'm going to vandalize the school? Stupid.

I arrive at the classroom just as another student and his parents are saying goodbye to Mrs. Billings. Mrs. Billings is dressed casually- I've never seen her in jeans before.

“Hello Jemma. Did your aunt come with you?”

I shake my head, embarrassed.

Mrs. Billings seems frustrated. “Did you explain to her how important this was?”

Yes.

“Did you tell her that you are on the verge of failing this class?”

Are you blaming me that she didn't come? "Yes." I look around my shoulder to make sure that the other kid and his parents are out of ear-shot.

"Well, I really need your aunt to be on board with this if you are going to make some progress."

I think a cuss word in my head. "Should I just leave?" Don't make come here and listen to you, then.

"No, no. I just really need your par-I mean- aunt, to understand and be the individual at your home to make sure that you are dedicated to this."

Yeah, than you don't want to talk to Beth. "Well, she said that she would sign any papers."

"Jemma, this isn't about papers- it's your education."

This sounds so much like Randy.

"I'm sorry!" Mrs. Billings throws her hands up in the air.

Uh...

"The whole atmosphere of this room- our conversation was all negative. I invited you to meet here to make a goal toward something positive, and I really need you, even more than your aunt to agree with this and be committed to it."

"Okay..."

"So, let's begin again." Mrs. Billings twirls around and when she completes her three-hundred-sixty-degree turn, she smiles really cheesy at me.

I nearly start to laugh. Really? She just spun around? Weird.

"Jemma, I'm glad you could come. Let's talk about class. As you know, you really need to work hard to pass this class."

"Okay."

"I've looked over your assignments and have considered your most recent work- the analogy, especially."

She looks at me seriously, like she asked me an obvious question and I'm just too dumb to answer.

"The only options I see involve re-writing two of the major essays and also completing some extra-credit assignments. You will also need a very good grade on your final."

Why is she making this sound like so hard- I can do that. Steph will help me. It shouldn't be that bad.

"How badly do you want to pass this class?"
I'm not killing anyone, if that's one of the requirements. "I'm willing to work for it." That was the right answer.

"Alright. Here are the assignments you need to re-write. And I will need at least one extra credit assignment a week from now until the end of the semester. It needs to be something following one of these options." Mrs. Billings circled two of the longest essay assignments on a list of all our class assignments and handed me another paper, listing requirements for extra credit.

The listings included a summary of a book, a journalism piece on a current event, a piece of original poetry at least 20 lines, or a 'creative word-sketch' and a few other options.

"And, if you would like a suggestion." Mrs. Billings reached back for the extra credit list. "Based on the work I've seen you do; I would say that your most promising options are the poetry and  word sketch." She underlined them. "Jemma, those aren't the easiest options- they require a lot of creativity. But I think you're up to it."

Chapter 7 Broken Glass

It takes forever to get home after midnight on the bus. I have to wait at the corner for twenty minutes before my last bus came. The bus only has eight other people on it; all sitting silently like they are asleep or zombies, looking straight ahead with unblinking eyes. The worst is walking the three blocks home by myself. I walk quickly, because it's cold, and yes, because I hate walking alone at night. I don't see anyone else walking down the sidewalk, but a few cars drive by slowly. I get home at one in the morning. The house is quiet. Too quiet. The kitchen light is still on. Beth never leaves lights on. I peak in Beth's bedroom- she's not there.

I'm angry. Fuming. Nearly crying I'm so angry. Ben and Rae are both fast asleep in their beds. I want to slam their doors, but I shut them quietly. I go out to the front porch without a jacket, to let the cold air hitting my face and arms calm me down.

I call James' cell number, but there is no answer. I look for a note somewhere on the table, but there's nothing. I sit in the dark kitchen, shaking with how mad I am. I start crying, just a little. The kind that makes your throat burn and your jaw tight. I call Jame's number four more times before I throw the phone across the room. It hits the couch and then the floor. I leave it there. I just finished crying when Beth comes back. It's two in the morning.

“Where the hell were you!” I scream, my voice cracking. I don't even care if I wake up Rae and Ben.

“Shh!”
“NO! There is no reason, ever to leave them alone!”
“Calm down. You were coming back, I just went out for a little while and they were already asleep.” She speaks quietly, calmly, as if it is no big deal.

“Wrong!” My face is hot and my mouth is dry. I'm standing, just in front of her, screaming in her face. "I didn't come home until one.”

"Damn, Jemma! You lied to me!"

"Me!"

"Yes! You said you would be back! You left your cousins alone!"

That's your response? I scream a curse word and go to my bedroom. I can't even talk to Beth, I'm so angry. My throat is burning again, but I'm now too mad to cry. So I just scream into my pillow until I tire myself out and finally fall asleep. Good thing I was already tired, I would have never been able to sleep otherwise.

In the morning, as soon as I get up, I go to Drew's. I can't even talk to Beth, I just ignore her. I bring a change of clothes and lock the door behind me. I don't want to be back until Sunday night, but I'm afraid. I don't want Rae and Ben left alone again.

I didn't call Drew first, I just hoped he would be home. And that he would be alone. I was right about one- he was home. He buzzes me up and greets me at the door, giving me a long kiss.

But he's not alone. Mark and his girlfriend, Julia are there. They are eating lunch and Julia is picking out some music. I take a seat beside Drew and nibble off of his plate. I want Mark and Julia to leave, but they are just hanging out and being nice, so I can't really demand that they leave when it's not even my place. After about an hour of making small talk, they leave and I get to be alone with Drew.

I lean against him on the couch. “Can I sleep here tonight?”

“Sure.” He kisses me on the forehead. “You alright?”

“Could you tell?”

Drew smiles. “You didn't talk enough to try to make them want to stay. But they're okay, I don't think they'll mind.”

He moves around so the his body is circling mine. “What's going on?”

“Beth left Rae and Ben alone last night.” I feel like I'm going to cry again. “I came back and they were asleep in their beds, but Beth wasn't there.” The tears form in my eyes and I stop talking, stop thinking about it. I hold my breath and open my eyes wide to keep the tears from over-flowing.

“Were they okay?”

I nod, unable to speak in case I start crying. And then it doesn't matter, because I am crying. Sobbing like a baby in Drew's shoulder. So much for my make-up. Now Drew has faded black streaks on his T-shirt.

“Beth's a good mom.”

I nod, but he can't see it. I know she is. She's not like my mom. “It just scares me.”

Drew pulls me close.

I spent too many nights alone. My mom might be there, maybe she'd be sober, maybe she would stay the whole night. Sometimes she'd be at the apartment, but she'd be high. I might wake up and she'd be gone. Or fall asleep and wake up in the middle of the night when she came home. It was terrifying, being alone all the time. Some of the places we stayed, I could hear everything through the walls- our neighbors yelling. Or I couldn't sleep because we had no curtains and the street light blazed in my face.

Ben was just a baby and Rae was really little when I moved in with Beth. Beth was always home with them. She was such a good mom. She didn't work then, she couldn't. I wonder if my mom was with me, too, when I was a baby. Did she take care of me all the time? I wasn't malnourished or really unhealthy. Maybe she was a good mom for the first few years of my life. Beth made sure I went to school every day and she helped me with my homework. It wasn't hard to adjust to life with Beth. Living with my mom had prepared me to adjust to anything. But it took my mind a while to really believe that I could live there and stay with her- that I wasn't moving again.

Drew hugged me while I finished crying, rubbing my back gently. He handed me some toilet paper, since he didn't have any tissues. That made me laugh and helped me to come back to the world. I feel so pathetic.

“So, not that you had anything to do with it- but where were you last night?”

"At a party."
"Oh."
"It wasn't like a crazy one or anything."
"Beth didn't care?"
"No."

"Drew, I didn't do anything. I had like one drink before Steph and I had to leave."
"Fine. You're still a kid, its what you do at that age."
"Shut it. You're not all mature. I deserve to have fun, just because you have to work every Friday night doesn't mean I have to sit at home alone."
"Fine. Go get drunk."
I didn't have time to respond, Drew cut in again. "I'm sorry. You're upset."
"It's fine."
"I just love you and get worried when I hear about stuff like that."
I swallowed, barely stopping a response. "Love you, too."

I call home and tell Beth that I'm spending the night- but really, it's to make sure Beth is there with Ben and Rae. I ask about her day and nudge a little to find out if she is going out tonight. She and James are taking the kids to a movie. “The whole family” She says.

Drew and I go on a real date- something we haven't done in ages. We go see a movie. We come back late, hungry. Drew makes me an awesome dinner in the middle of the night- fried fish and homemade french fries. He shouldn't work as a manager, he should open his own place.

His bed is small, but we lay together, squished beside one another. “I love you, I really do.” He tells me, touching my cheek and hair with the tips of his fingers.

“ I know.” I say. That seems more right to say than repeating the words back.

“ You like to stay here, don't you?”
“ I love being with you!” I cuddle against him.

“ No, I mean- do you like being here better than at Beth's?”
I don't answer, I just rest my head against his chest and hear his heart beat. I hope Ben and Rae aren't alone. I should have stayed there tonight. But then I turn to see Drew's face, the outline of his nose in the dark. No, I'm glad that I'm here with him.

I wake up, my neck stiff and cocked to the side because the pillow fell off the bed and onto the floor. It's going to ache for a while this morning. Drew is still dead asleep, and I'm stuck against the wall, unable to wiggle out without waking him. He opens his eyes. “Good morning, sweetheart.”

“I have to get up!” My bladder was going to explode.

As nice as it was to lay together, after you get out of the bed, you can never find the same position again- the moment is ruined. Drew sat up and pulled the blanket around his shoulders and invited me to sit next to him on the bed.

“Want to have Thanksgiving with my family?” Drew asks.

I'm shocked, really. I haven't seen them since the one, terrible dinner. I saw Drew's dad once, when we went to a carnival, but there have been no more dinners.

“Really?”
“Yeah. I want you to come.”

“I think your mom hates me.”

Drew knew it was true. "She does not!”

"Yeah!"
"Really! Please?"

“Does your mom know?”
“I'll tell her.”
“Before we show up for dinner?”
“Yes.” But I know he was thinking to try it.

Instead of staying at Drew's another night, we went back to my house together. Drew and I walked right in together. Beth was there with the kids, she didn't say anything about Drew being over. We went to my bedroom for a while, later that night Drew went back to his apartment. I didn't talk to Beth the whole day, and she didn't leave the house, either.

English class. “You all did very well on your analogies. They were creative and effective. I really appreciated some, I've given you comments. There is one I want to read for you that I thought was especially well-written.” Mrs. Billings pulls out a small piece of paper and begins reading:

"Trust is a clear, crystal box. I've carried it with the hard, sharp edges against my arms until it was too heavy. It fell and shattered into tiny, clear pieces that cut my hands as I search for them. I'll never piece it back together."

That's mine. I wrote that. After class, Mrs. Billings stops me before leaving.

“Jemma- I was very impressed with your analogy. When I read something like this, I see that you are quite capable. I would like to talk about some options for helping you to pass this class.”

“Thank you.” I say, picking up my returned assignment- graded as one-hundred percent.

“I would like to meet with you and your parents, Wednesday evening, if I could.”
“Aunt.” I mutter.

“What?”

“You would meet with my aunt.” I state.

“Oh. Alright. I would like to meet with you and your aunt to come up with some options. How does six o'clock sound?”

“I'll tell her.” I turn to leave.

“Jemma.” I stop in the doorway and turn back to Mrs. Billings. “Please understand that I am offering you an opportunity to perhaps pass this class. Don't take it for granted.”
I nod, but I don't think there is much chance of me passing now.

Chapter 6 Burnt

“Analogy” was written across the chalk board at the front of the room in English class. Steph rushes in the class just before the final bell and sits next to me. She leans across her desk and looks like she's about to tell me something, when Mrs. Billings begins class.

“What is abstract?” Mrs. Billings asks.

“Art that I can't understand.” Someone from the back of the class yells. A few people laugh. Steph rolls her eyes at me.

Mrs. Billings explains that abstract is something that you can't really explain, it's subjective, it means different things to different people. It's feelings. It is something that isn't physical, isn't able to be held.

“Let's get some examples. Say something that is abstract.”

Love, Hope, God, and Imagination all go up on the board. “Good answers.” She adds Trust, Truth and Home.

“What is the opposite of analogy?”

“Unanalogy?” The same loud kid from the back of the room yells. No one laughs this time. Steph and I, and like four other people in the class turn and stare at him. He looks embarrassed.

“Something 'concrete'. Just like pavement, something that is 'concrete' is physical and real and hard- touchable.” Mrs. Billings assigns us to write up an analogy using something concrete to explain or describe something that is abstract.

“Do not use 'like' or 'as' in your analogy. I don't want to read any 'Hope is like a candle' or 'Love feels like blah blah blah. Just explain, and be creative. If I get any descriptions that a home is a house where a family lives- I will make you re-write it. Be creative!”

A bell rings to end class and we all stand up at the same time to go. Steph grabs my arm as I walk out, "You're coming, right?"
"Huh?"
"The party we were telling you about- you have to-have to- have to come!"

"Sure. When? Where?"

Steph hugs me. "Yay!"

The party is at some kid named Justin's house, he has a hot tub. Of course, it's Friday night, so Drew can't come, but I'm still going.

"How are you going to get out?" I ask Steph; her mom is so strict. She has to think up some new lie every time and they have to be good, because her mom investigates what she says. We tried to sneak her out once by saying she was spending the night at my house, but it didn't work because her mom was too suspicious and wanted to check with Beth to see if our story was straight. Now Steph can never stay at my house- not because Beth cares- Beth only cares about Drew being over.

"There's an away football game that night- against Plath. I'm saying I'm going to the game. Even if it ends at ten, it would take an hour to get back home that time of night. I can easily push it to midnight and get in trouble for missing curfew." Steph had to clean the whole house if she missed curfew. But she was grounded for a week if she snuck out of the house.

"What if she offers to pick you up from the game?"

"Shut up! Don't give the universe any ideas!"

Rae and Ben want to play at the park, so we all head out. Ben steps on every dry leaf on the sidewalk, smiling at the crunch underfoot. Rae skips along, humming a song to herself. I find a nice tree, nearly bare and settle down at the trunk. I take out a notebook with a cardboard cover almost completely black from my doodles and begin some lines of a song that's working itself out in my head.

We arrive back at home the same time as Beth. Ben sees her a little ways down the sidewalk and runs to greet her with a hug.

Ben tells Beth all about his field trip to the museum while Beth relaxes on the couch. I put a frozen pizza in the oven for dinner. I go to my bedroom, messy with dirty clothes in a corner and my bed hasn't been made all week. I throw my books across the bed and start on my homework. Vocabulary words for science and a few questions in math are done quickly. Then I pick up my notebook and flip to a page that is almost completely blank, except for the word 'Trust' written at the top.

“Hey Steph, what did you do for that English assignment?”

“I wrote about...” She ruffles through some pages. “Hope. Hope is a bird flying high in the sky. Hope's wings are wide and always open, flying.”

“Wow. That's really good!”
“Really? I thought it was kind of lame. I just ignored the whole part about hope and wrote about a bird. But then I got too much into it and wrote about a nest and trees. So I cut that part out.”
“Well, now I'm not sure what to do. I was gonna write on trust.”

“That's cool... dogs are supposed to be trustworthy.”
“It doesn't have to be just animals.”
“Oh, yeah.”
“I'll think of something.”

"Did your mom buy the football game line?"

"Sort of. She knows there's really a game- she wants to know who I'm going with. I can't say you, my mom will never believe that."

"Who are you going with?"

Steph giggled in the phone. "Felix Rubens."

"No!"
"Don't laugh at me- he's who I like this week."

"He wears those silly T-shirts!"

"I know."

"And his name is from like fifty years ago."

"But he has such nice hair! And he wrote me this really sweet note."

"Did he ask you already?"

"Yeah. And it will be nice to have a date at the party."

"Thanks for the reminder."

"Sorry."

"Jemma!" Beth was screaming.

The smoke detector was beeping- I forgot about the pizza and the kitchen was full of smoke. We opened the kitchen door and windows to air it out. The pizza was a hard, black disk. We had peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for dinner.

Drew calls on the phone just before I go to sleep. “Sorry to call so late. Just wanted to say good-night. So, good night.”

We don't talk long. Drew tells me about work, he likes being a manager. I talk about school and am proud of myself that I got all my homework done. He tells me to get some sleep and have a good day tomorrow. He pretends to tell me a bed-time story, but I tell him to shut up, in a nice way, and blow a kiss at him through the phone.

“Hey- I love you.”
“Me, too, sweetie.”

I hang up the phone and breathe out. I don't say those words a lot, usually in a card or when it's really romantic. Was telling me good-night romantic? I don't know. But I felt like I just wanted to say it, that's all.

The weather has gotten colder. I have to fight with Rae to get her to wear her winter coat. She doesn't want anything to cover her pretty pink sweater. Beth has done her hair up in cute pig tails and even let Rae wear a little lip gloss. She looks like a giant pink-covered doll and thinks she's a princess. Ben doesn't want to go outside in the cold. I ask Beth if she wants to walk them to the bus stop. But she doesn't want to, wearing sweat pants and drinking her morning coffee. I'm still not ready to go and rush around like crazy, my hair still wet from my shower and grabbing whatever sweater I can find. I look like I'm depressed because the only sweater I could find was black- to go with my black T-shirt and my black winter coat. My wet hair freezes a little on my walk to school and I promise myself that I will take the bus tomorrow. My nose is cold and has turned red and I every time I exhale I blow a white cloud out of my mouth.

Randy has some homemade candies in his office.

"Did you make these?"
"No." He smiles.

"Your girlfriend? Your mom?"

He just smiles. He never talks about himself, ever. "How are you?"

"Okay."
He asks about guitar lessons. I tell him I really enjoyed them, Mr. Evans is cool and I like learning guitar.

"How has your homework been coming along?"

"Good." That was true, I think I had everything handed in that was due for the week.

"Jemma, do you know what your midterm grades are?"
Ugh! "Whatever."

Randy pushes a paper with my grades on it, including teachers' comments across his desk.

"You aren't even supposed to see that! It's for me and my guardian to know!"

"Jemma, calm down."
I swear at him. "Don't tell me to calm down! Some sort of counselor you are- you should know that only pisses people off even more!"

Randy exhales. I can see him calculating something, his eyes moving, his fingers twitching. Then he cocks his head to the side, pushes his glasses up a little on his nose.

"Jemma, this is serious. But serious does not mean that you are in trouble. Please remember this is all about helping you."
I swallow and look away. My eyes are burning.

Randy pauses, until I look back at him. My eyes are still hot. "Okay. I'm not saying that guitar lessons are over simply because you don't have top-notch grades. The guitar lessons are connected to you attending school and completing your homework."

I nod that I understand.

"Your grades on the other hand, have caused some to wonder whether you are at the level you should be."

"What!"

"I mean to say that, perhaps you need extra tutoring, or that some of these classes you would do better at if you took them next year."

I cussed again, but not at him. Just at the school and that dumb piece of paper. I didn't even want to look at it.

"Spanish, particularly seems to be an area that your are struggling." I had an F. I could see it from here.

"You are also having some problems in English. We see that these areas are both connected to language and are wondering if you have, perhaps, a learning challenge in that area?"
This time the cuss words were directed at him.

"Jemma, that's enough. One more time and you're out of this office."
"I'll just leave. You can't make me stay."
"The door is not locked, you are free to go."
I pushed my weight harder against the chair. "Fine."

"Jemma." Randy said, calmly.

"Fine, I'm sorry." I mumbled. That was good enough for Randy, he went back to my report card.

"You are doing well in Science, Math, and Computers." Well, not 'well', but I was passing, that's what he meant.

"I'm not stupid, okay?"

"You're right. You are not stupid. A learning challenge is not about your intelligence, its about how you learn and helping the teachers at this school find creative ways to help you understand and absorb the information."
Ugh. Don't make it sound all nice and good. I'm not stupid and I don't need extra tutoring and I don't need to be in the retard class.

"Jemma, right now, we are just asking that you take a few evaluations to determine if some teachers at this school should adjust their teaching styles or give you more personal attention. Is this something you are willing to participate in?"

"No."

"Jemma, it's to help you. No one will know about it. You'll complete the forms here, in my office. It will be private."

"No. And you can't make me."

 I stared straight at Randy, knowing I had won.
"Alright." He consented, looking down. "I can't make you. I can only try to explain how it will help you."

"I'm not going to do it."

"Then, Jemma, you're jeopardizing your future and I think that is..." He exhaled and lifted his hands in the air. "sad." He finally finished the sentence.

"I'm done for the day." I announced and left.

And then I walked out of school. The security didn't see me and the day was almost done anyway. I couldn't think about anything- I was so mad. I wanted to scream at Randy. People in the school didn't know anything. What do I need to know Spanish for anyway? Stupid, stupid. I should just transfer schools or something.
I walked home. The house was empty. Creepy, almost. I hate when it's all quiet like this. I turned on the TV for some noise and went to my bedroom.
I checked the time. Rae and Ben would be back in less than an hour. This time Rae couldn't say anything about having to wait outside.
I opened my notebook and began to write. When I'm angry, I write songs. Actually, when I'm angry or sad or when I'm really happy, too. And when I read the song later, I can tell what mood I was in. The lines are short when I'm angry, like I'm yelling and running out of breath. That's the song now. Short lines with a lot of punch in them.

On Friday Steph comes over to my house after school, we picked out clothes for the party. Steph picks out a little tank top and these tight jeans. I just have to wear a warm jacket on the way. Steph takes her purse, because it's huge and we can stuff a towel and our swimsuits in there.

"Where are you going?" Beth asks, as we walk to the door.

"To a party."

"When will you be back?"

"Eleven?" I lie. I know it will be later than that, but I don't want her to tell me I can't go.

"Make sure you come back by then!" Beth yells while we walk out.

It's so cold outside, we walk as quickly as we can to the bus. Steph has the directions to the party. "We look good." Steph says, looking at us in the reflection of the bus.

She has her cellphone and texts with Felix the whole way, making plans to meet him at the corner away from Justin's house so they can walk into the party together.

Everything is happening in the basement, so the music can be up louder without anyone calling the cops. I get Steph and me drinks- the famous rule at all parties- get your own drinks; never trust a guy to bring you drinks. The hot tub was fun- but too crowded and when all the couples started coming, I wiggled out. Steph and Felix stayed in a little while longer. I found some other kids I kind of knew from school, one of the girls was tipsy already. The party only just started- how much could she have had to drink already?

Steph comes running up to me, waving her cellphone. "I have to leave- right now!"

"What happened?"

"I accidentally answered my phone! I'm such an idiot!"

"Your mom knows?"

"She wants to know why I missed my curfew! She said she's coming to the school to pick me up!"

"What are you going to do?"

"Get away from here! Say I took the wrong bus." That might work.

"I need to get at least close to where the school is! My mom is gonna kill me!"

She and Felix have a quick kiss good-bye, not enough to count as a real kiss, not that a watched, that would be weird. I go with Steph part of the way, planning every thing she could say to her mom. She's probably going to be grounded. And she wasn't even at the party very long.

Chapter 5 Lesson One

Drew shows up at my house just after I get home. He's dressed for work and I give him a big hug, I don't want to let him go.

“Hey sweetie.”

I start laughing, because he called me 'sweetie'. “I'm never going to get used to you calling me that.”

“Well I'm not going to stop. Sweetie.”

I check on Rae and Ben, they are watching TV, sitting on the floor, close to the screen. Drew and I go to my room and hang out. I tell him all about my guitar lessons. Then he hands me a piece of paper. It's a ticket to the concert.

“Really?”

He nods.

It was awesome. “I love you.” I said it. We were going on a concert together- weeks away, something Drew had planned and paid for my ticket and... it was just awesome.

We're cuddling on the bed when Beth comes in.

“Jemma!”

It's 6 o'clock already? Dang. Drew looks embarrassed- I can see him turning pink and looking down at the carpet.

“Nice 'babysitting'!” Beth is being sarcastic. “I find Rae and Ben two inches from the TV, no dinner made, the front door unlocked. What is wrong with you?”

So we're definitely not cuddling anymore, and Drew is about to leave for work. “Sorry.” He tells Beth.

“I don't want to hear it. How old are you? Shouldn't you be more responsible?” She's never yelled at Drew before- she must be really, really mad.

I still walk Drew to the door, what is Beth gonna do? I give him a quick kiss. “Call me later.”

Drew just runs out the door. Who's he scared of?

“What's wrong with you?” Beth yells.

“Nothing! Back off!”

“No! Don't talk to me like that! You have your two little cousins here, Rae has homework- dinner isn't ready. I was working all day, and I come home, thinking Rae and Ben are all alone. They might as well be, good a job as you did watching them.”

“And I'm not in school all day!?”

“I'm not discussing this with you. Make dinner, now.”
The fastest thing to make for dinner is grilled cheese sandwiches. Beth helps Rae with her homework while I grill the sandwiches. There are chips in the cabinet, and wa-la- a healthy dinner.

Beth won't talk to me-fine. I don't care. I call Erin and we talk, I tell her about the concert and we talk about boys.

“I'm going out tonight.” Says Beth. It's Friday, and she doesn't seem angry at me anymore.

“James in?”

“No. With some girls from work. So, you need to stay here with the kids. And I don't want Drew coming over. K?” She said the end

“Beth!”

“No.”
“But we aren't going to do anything!”
“No.”

Sucky. But Beth wasn't going to change her mind.

“I want you to help Rae with her homework.”

So that's my evening, homework and more homework and helping Rae with her homework. And Drew can't even come over after he's off work because Beth doesn't trust me.

Sunday. I meet up with my dad. His apartment is small without any decorations, but he's only lived here for two months. He talks about his new job, which he really likes. I guess there are younger guys he works with, because he tells me jokes and talks with slang. I bet he's the oldest guy there.

We have baked potatoes and steak, the steak is really good and he's so proud of himself.

“How is school?”

“Good.”

“Getting good grades?”

“I think so.” Okay, no. But I can lie to him, he can't ever tell the difference.

“Does your boyfriend have a car?”

“No.”

“Oh.” I ruined his chance to show off all he learned about cars now.

“He's still a decent guy?” Yeah, my dad was definitely working with younger guys, he never said 'decent'.

I laugh softly. “Yeah, dad. He's good.” Drew and my dad met once. It was awkward, but not too bad. Drew was really polite and when my dad went on and on about how special I am and how guys are supposed to treat women, Drew just smiled and agreed with him until my dad finally shut up. I don't care if my dad, who I only see twice a month, likes my boyfriend or not, but it's nice that he does.

Dad gives me twenty bucks and tells me to buy some clothes with it. I thank him and tell him to call again this week. I tell him for the seventh time that the steak was really good and he should keep making them.

I'm pretty good at finishing all my homework for this week. I'm almost caught up in all my classes. In math I'm doing really well and not too bad in science. English I might have to repeat, though. Mrs. Billings is hard and always wants my English papers to be perfect.

“Jemma.” She calls me to her desk after class. “Every one of your assignments has been late. That's an automatic five to ten point deduction. And then, with your grades for these papers, you're nearly failing this class.” She pulled out two of my recent papers, marked up with red ink.

I reach to take the graded papers.

“Some of your errors are really simple- spelling, basic grammatical errors.” She points to a few places as an example. “You'd be doing much better if you turned your assignments in on time, and double checked your work.”

“So, I spoke with Mr. Evans, and you are signed up for guitar lessons.” Randy tells me. He hands me a paper. It's for permission to be after school. Tuesdays at 4 pm.

“Do Tuesdays work for you?”

“Well...” What if it didn't? Damn, he just picked for me or what? But yeah, I guess Tuesdays were good.

“Sorry, it's just that that was the only time Mr. Evans had left.”

“Yeah, it works.”

“So, the lessons are an hour, in the music room. Do you know where it is?”

The room number was on the paper, it was in the Art and Music wing of the school. I'm sure I could find it. “Yeah, near the Art classes.”

We talk about school. I made up most of the homework, including from the days I missed. Randy had me talking about what I wanted 'in the future'. People in high school all want to hear that you are going to go to college, no matter what you say you're interested in, as long as you include college. Well, unless you say something totally unrealistic, like you want to be an actress or singer. So I say I want to go to a local college.

“What are you interested in studying?”
Actually, I don't even see myself going to college, I'm just saying this to keep you off my back. “I don't know, maybe something in science- biology.”

Randy buys it. I am sent back to Spanish class. We're learning the past-tense of Spanish verbs. Ugh. I should have had more issues for Randy and I to talk about.

It's Friday night, the fall dance. I don't really want to go, I'm fine with staying home, watching Rae and Ben so Beth can go out with James. Anyways, Drew can't come to the dance because he has to work. I wouldn't have had fun without him, only dancing with Patrick or Miles and Miles dances so dorky that I'm afraid he'll hit me in the face with the way he swings his arms. I'm better staying at home.

Rae and Ben stay up late, watching a movie. I make popcorn and when the movie's over, there is a mess of crunched popcorn in between the cushions of the couch. I carry Rae to bed because she already fell asleep and clean up the living room.

I hate the house like this- quiet late at night, so dead and dark. I turn on the kitchen lights to make the atmosphere change, but it's still too quiet. I turn the volume up on the television, but I don't pay attention to it.

The phone rings, sounding so loud in the quiet house. It's Steph. She said the dance was pretty lame and they left early- went to grab some tacos and hang out. Steph promised I didn't miss anything. Yeah, I'm sure it was dumb. Girls spend too much time dressing up, piling on make-up and dancing all raunchy. Stupid teenage stuff. Steph was probably right, we're too mature for that kind of thing.

Beth comes home by 1:00 am. She and James hardly say 'hello' to me before they head to Beth's room. Part of me wants to scream at her- yell at her because she said I couldn't bring Drew back here, and she brings James? It's not fair!

I don't say anything. I imagine just leaving, going to see Drew. But Beth wouldn't care, she would know to call Drew right away. And I know Drew would freak out if I just show up, he would think something was wrong. So, I sit in the empty, quiet living room for a little while, but no one is there to care how pissed off I am. Instead, I brush my teeth and put on my pajamas and go to bed.

Tuesday. After school I have twenty minutes, but then I meet with Mr. Evans to learn how to play guitar. Walk home, to Rae and Ben sitting on the front steps. I take them back to school with me, because Steph agreed to watch them while I have my guitar lesson. I hang out with Steph and Miles for a little bit. They tell me about the dance-off at the fall dance last weekend and this party on Friday that I 'just have to go to'. Steph says she's going to take the kids to the park to play, and I tell her I'll meet her there when I'm done my lesson.

I come back inside the school, there are a few students left, but mostly adults walking around. No one even asks me for my pass to be in school after hours. What a waste.

I find the room and try the door, it's not locked, so I let myself in. The music room has a low ceiling and strange walls- better for the sound, I guess. There are a few chairs left in the middle of the room, most are stacked against the wall. There are no decorations, it's the most bland room I've seen. How can they expect people to be creative and make music in a place this... boring?

Mr. Evans comes in after a few minutes, holding a guitar case.

“Jemma, right?”

I nod.

“Did I have you in class?”

“Last year.”
He opens the case and brings out a beautiful, wooden guitar from some popular brand that I think is a good one. “Did you bring your guitar?”

“I don't have one.” Dang it. Randy said it wouldn't matter.

“That won't be a problem, you can just use mine. And mine is already tuned!” He responds, cheerfully.

Mr. Evans doesn't waste time, but immediately grabs two chairs and shows me how to make a few different notes. He adjusts my fingers and tries to help me hear the difference between them.

“Now 'C'. Good. Now for 'G'? Oh- finger... there.” and so I'm learning. My fingers hurt by the end of the hour, from pushing against the wires. Mr. Evan's says that's normal and I will have callouses in no time.

“Do you have any guitar to practice on?”

I shake my head.

“Well, if you can find any way to practice- a friend, even asking one of the directors if they have an extra one you can use here at school, that would be best.”

“Do I need to have something here?”
“No, no. You can use mine for these lessons, but you should be practicing every day, too.”

Oh. That might be a problem.

The hour went by quickly, and I feel that I just got an over-load of information and finger positions. But Mr. Evans said I did good. I didn't expect to learn a song the first lesson, anyway.

Ch 4 Absent

It's Monday and Rae's sick. She started puking in the middle of the night. Beth say's it's probably the flu. I get Ben ready for school and walk him to the bus stop with all the other parents waiting. Beth has to go to work, so I stay home with Rae.

Rae sleeps most of the morning, so I just relax and watch TV. Rae gets up, she wears her purple-starred pajama dress all day. I give her some toast and eggs for breakfast, something that will hopefully stay down. I get her to drink lots of water and take her temperature. Her fever is really low, low enough for her to be bossy. She loves bossing me around. Get this, get that.

Suddenly, its 3:30 in the afternoon. Where did the whole day go?  I should start something for dinner.

Ben comes home from school, I get him a snack and sign his school field trip form. His class is going to the Childrens Museum next week.

Now it's Tuesday and Ben has the flu. Ben is an easier patient, he just lays in bed and plays with a toy car. Ben thinks he is on vacation or something, he wants to go outside and play. I make him eat soup and crackers and tell him he has to stay inside. I am more productive today; I clean up the house a little and do some laundry.

Ben still has a fever on Wednesday. He says he feels fine, but he wanted to go to the park yesterday, too. Beth says that he has to stay home one more day. I watch her get ready for work. She looks really professional with her hair done up.
"Ben should be fine by tomorrow." Beth tells me. "Thank you for staying with him. I have to work until 5:00 today, so I should be home by 5:30."
What difference does it make to me? I'm not going anywhere.
"If the school calls, pretend you're me and tell them you're sick, alright?"
I nod. Beth doesn't want to get in trouble for me missing school. But its only three days- not like with my mom, when I would miss three weeks in a row.

Steph and Erin both call. It's the same conversation: Where have you been? You sick? Oh, you had to stay with your cousin? Well, are you going to be there tomorrow?
Erin says there's a quiz in math on Friday and then Patrick calls to tell me that we have a lab assignment in science on Thursday, he wants to know if I will be there to be his partner, otherwise he is going to be stuck with the kid who smells like feet. I promise him I'll be there.

And on Thursday, I do go to school. I take Rae and Ben to their bus stop and then continue on to school. The ground is covered in frost now and the grass crunches under my feet, frozen and cracking under my weight.
I look at the doors into school with dread, staring at them as I walk down the sidewalk. It's cold enough to see my breath whiten in the air, I should have worn a heavier jacket than just this hoodie. I'm cold, but I don't want to go into school. The only other people standing outside are the kids who smoke, and any minute now a teacher will open the door and yell at them to smoke off-property. I yank the metal handle and jerk open the door.

My homeroom teacher gives me a 'look' when he takes attendance. “Missed a few days?” He says, looking over his glasses that have slipped down his nose.

“Sick.” I say. Well, I wasn't sick, but that's not the point.

“Glad to see you are healthy now.”

I have tons of homework in math, English and Spanish. Science I just missed taking a bunch of boring notes, but Patrick said he would let me copy off of his. He would even let me copy off of his test if I asked. Steph explained the English homework and said that it didn't take her that long to do it, and gave me an idea for the mini-essay we had to write.

Just after lunch a loud announcement rang out “Jenna Elliot to the counselor's office. Jenna Elliot to the counselor's office.”

“Do I have to go?” I ask Erin, walking next to me down the hall.

“I didn't hear them call for any Jemma.” Erin said.

I go anyway.

“Sorry about that.” Randy says when he sees me walk in. “I asked for them to call you out of class, as in with a note, not over the intercom.”

“Not a big deal. They called for 'Jenna' anyway.”

Randy smiled, but it drops quickly.

I click my my tongue against the inside of my teeth, waiting for Randy to say something.

“I sent a note to your Spanish class for us to meet early today, but I was told you weren't in school.” Randy was giving me a chance to explain. But I didn't feel like explaining. As long as I finished my homework and got all caught up, who cared?

“I wasn't skipping.”

“Never said you were.”

“My cousins were sick.”

“Were you sick?”

“No.” Why did that matter? “I was staying home with them.”

“What about school?"

I don't answer. I just sit there, relax a little into the chair and prepare to sit in silence for a while. I cross my arms against my chest, like armor. I cross my legs and lean back. He has to read the expression on my face- I'm emphasizing it for him, staring right back at him.

He is the one who looks away first, dips his head down. I know he's thinking what to say. Soon, Randy will tell me that I'm not in trouble, he just wants to help me. Or maybe I am in trouble this time.

“What do you want to do?”

I didn't expect that. I expect a little more scolding before we reached this.

“I want to graduate high school.” That was the answer I was supposed to say.

Randy pressed his lips together and shook his dread locks a little. He exhaled. “What do you want to do about this-now-for this semester?”

So I'm quiet again. I don't know what he's really referring to. Do? I'll go to school, do my work and that's it. I hate this. Why am I being treated like the screw-up? It's not like I'm skipping. If this was how things were going to be, at least I would have had fun when I stayed home with Rae and Ben.

After a full two minutes of silence, Randy changes the subject. “How is Drew?”

“Good.”

“Anything new?”

“He's calling me 'sweetie' all the time now.” Oh crap- you're going to analyze that now. I don't want Randy knowing anything about our relationship. I wish he didn't even know I had a boyfriend.

“And that's a bad thing?” Randy seems confused.

“Well... it's just weird.”
Randy doesn't say anything and I can't figure out his expression. Maybe he thinks that means I'm messed up. Or that Drew is moving too fast. People always say teenage relationships move too fast.

“I mean... I'm not used to that.”

Again, no response from Randy.

“No one ever called me stuff like that.”

“Really?” Finally, Randy says something.

“Is that weird?”

“Well, when you talk to your dad, what does he call you?”

“Jemma? Jem, sometimes.”

“And your Aunt?”

“Jemma. Or 'hey you.'” I was joking. I hope that came out clearly.

“I wouldn't say it's weird. But it would be within the norm that throughout your life, especially in your childhood, you would be called by 'pet' names. Usually, as you reach your teen years the cute names become embarrassing.”

So basically, he's saying it is weird, the cutesy names should be ending now, not starting.

“Do you think its strange that Andrew calls you pet names?”

I didn't really think this was important enough to dwell on this long. “I guess not. I mean, at least its not like the really cheesy names other people use. I'm just not used to it from anyone. What do you think that means?”

The tension in the room had dissolved. I wiggle in the chair and Randy sits back against his. “I think it means he cares about you and wants to show his affection.”
“No. I mean what it means about me.”

“Oh.” Randy lets a sigh out, maybe louder than he meant. His face does that expression where he's being thoughtful, but still is casual. “Hearing your dad or grandfather refer to you as 'sweetie' wouldn't be the same to you as your boyfriend saying it.”

I nod a litte. That wasn't much of an answer.

“Do you say it back?” Randy asks me.

“No.” I'm honest, but terrified of what this might mean.

“That's normal, Jemma. Don't think you're messed up because you don't say it back.” Randy re-assured. I wonder if he's lying, though. Is it normal?

“When he says he loves you, do you say it back?” Randy asks.

“Yes.” My voice nearly squeaks, but I didn't realize I was nervous to answer this. Oh... I feel a pain in the bottom of my stomach. I won't answer any more questions about Drew. Thankfully, Randy doesn't ask anymore.

Randy buys me a soda and we come back to his office. I settle myself back into my seat.

“Can we talk more about school?” Randy asks.

I shrug.

“This is what I understand: your cousins got sick and you stayed home to watch them.”
Exactly. Don't see what else there is to talk about. “Yep.”

“Okay. What other options did you have?"
None. I lift my eyebrows, like I'm asking a quesiton, but not really.
"Your aunt?"
Work.  "She couldn't get a sitter in time." I lied. How can she work and also pay someone to watch her kids? She might as well just stay home from work.
"Did you call in to school, tell them you couldn't come?”

“No.”

“Do you think there are any other options, ones that don't result in you having to miss school?”
I thought we just went through this. I shrugged again. “Beth has to work.”
“I get that.” Randy was using some technique- acting like he was 'with' me. “But maybe a neighbor, grandmother, someone else who could stay with them?”
I don't even know my neighbors. And I think that my grandmother, Beth's and my mom's mom lives in another city. Anyway, I never really see her. She came for Christmas one year, like three years ago.

“There's not really anyone else.”
“So how can I help you not miss school?”
“They are better now.”
“Jemma, that's not a solution.”
“Well I don't know. You're the freaking counselor, you're supposed to have the answers.” I turn my head away, focusing on a poster on the wall.

“I want to work with you, not just make decisions for you.”

I call him a cuss word in my head. “Oh yeah, like I have a decision here.”

Randy got quiet. He waited a few minutes, which was good, because I calmed down a little.

“Besides next year-graduation, what do you want?”

“To finish this grade. Get on track with where I should be.”
“You have to complete your homework and come to school for that.”

“It's not like I'm not trying.” I suddenly felt sad.

“This isn't to make you feel bad. This is to know how to help you.” Randy started on his 'you're not in trouble' speech. I could feel it coming with how he leaned forward across his desk.

“What about extracurriculars? What are you interested in?”

“Huh?”

“After school stuff- sports, dance, music.”
“I'm into music.”

“Do you play anything? Were you ever in band, chior?"
I shake my head. "I like guitar." That's not offered in band.

“Want to learn?”

“What?”

“Do you know Mr. Evans?”
The not-too-bad looking history teacher- yeah, I knew who he was. “I had him last year for history.”

“He's offering to teach students guitar after school. Would you be interested in that?”

“Do I need to have my own guitar?”

“I don't think so. Do you want me to get a hold of him and sign you up?”

I nod. But I'm not too sure. But I really would like to take guitar lessons. That would be cool. Amazing, even.

“Jemma, I want to be clear about this- and Mr. Evans is a teacher here, too. If you are skipping school- or missing school- or aren't doing your homework, the lessons will stop. These are an incentive for you.”

Like a bribe to do my homework? Whatever, taking guitar lessons would be cool.