Ch 4 Absent

It's Monday and Rae's sick. She started puking in the middle of the night. Beth say's it's probably the flu. I get Ben ready for school and walk him to the bus stop with all the other parents waiting. Beth has to go to work, so I stay home with Rae.

Rae sleeps most of the morning, so I just relax and watch TV. Rae gets up, she wears her purple-starred pajama dress all day. I give her some toast and eggs for breakfast, something that will hopefully stay down. I get her to drink lots of water and take her temperature. Her fever is really low, low enough for her to be bossy. She loves bossing me around. Get this, get that.

Suddenly, its 3:30 in the afternoon. Where did the whole day go?  I should start something for dinner.

Ben comes home from school, I get him a snack and sign his school field trip form. His class is going to the Childrens Museum next week.

Now it's Tuesday and Ben has the flu. Ben is an easier patient, he just lays in bed and plays with a toy car. Ben thinks he is on vacation or something, he wants to go outside and play. I make him eat soup and crackers and tell him he has to stay inside. I am more productive today; I clean up the house a little and do some laundry.

Ben still has a fever on Wednesday. He says he feels fine, but he wanted to go to the park yesterday, too. Beth says that he has to stay home one more day. I watch her get ready for work. She looks really professional with her hair done up.
"Ben should be fine by tomorrow." Beth tells me. "Thank you for staying with him. I have to work until 5:00 today, so I should be home by 5:30."
What difference does it make to me? I'm not going anywhere.
"If the school calls, pretend you're me and tell them you're sick, alright?"
I nod. Beth doesn't want to get in trouble for me missing school. But its only three days- not like with my mom, when I would miss three weeks in a row.

Steph and Erin both call. It's the same conversation: Where have you been? You sick? Oh, you had to stay with your cousin? Well, are you going to be there tomorrow?
Erin says there's a quiz in math on Friday and then Patrick calls to tell me that we have a lab assignment in science on Thursday, he wants to know if I will be there to be his partner, otherwise he is going to be stuck with the kid who smells like feet. I promise him I'll be there.

And on Thursday, I do go to school. I take Rae and Ben to their bus stop and then continue on to school. The ground is covered in frost now and the grass crunches under my feet, frozen and cracking under my weight.
I look at the doors into school with dread, staring at them as I walk down the sidewalk. It's cold enough to see my breath whiten in the air, I should have worn a heavier jacket than just this hoodie. I'm cold, but I don't want to go into school. The only other people standing outside are the kids who smoke, and any minute now a teacher will open the door and yell at them to smoke off-property. I yank the metal handle and jerk open the door.

My homeroom teacher gives me a 'look' when he takes attendance. “Missed a few days?” He says, looking over his glasses that have slipped down his nose.

“Sick.” I say. Well, I wasn't sick, but that's not the point.

“Glad to see you are healthy now.”

I have tons of homework in math, English and Spanish. Science I just missed taking a bunch of boring notes, but Patrick said he would let me copy off of his. He would even let me copy off of his test if I asked. Steph explained the English homework and said that it didn't take her that long to do it, and gave me an idea for the mini-essay we had to write.

Just after lunch a loud announcement rang out “Jenna Elliot to the counselor's office. Jenna Elliot to the counselor's office.”

“Do I have to go?” I ask Erin, walking next to me down the hall.

“I didn't hear them call for any Jemma.” Erin said.

I go anyway.

“Sorry about that.” Randy says when he sees me walk in. “I asked for them to call you out of class, as in with a note, not over the intercom.”

“Not a big deal. They called for 'Jenna' anyway.”

Randy smiled, but it drops quickly.

I click my my tongue against the inside of my teeth, waiting for Randy to say something.

“I sent a note to your Spanish class for us to meet early today, but I was told you weren't in school.” Randy was giving me a chance to explain. But I didn't feel like explaining. As long as I finished my homework and got all caught up, who cared?

“I wasn't skipping.”

“Never said you were.”

“My cousins were sick.”

“Were you sick?”

“No.” Why did that matter? “I was staying home with them.”

“What about school?"

I don't answer. I just sit there, relax a little into the chair and prepare to sit in silence for a while. I cross my arms against my chest, like armor. I cross my legs and lean back. He has to read the expression on my face- I'm emphasizing it for him, staring right back at him.

He is the one who looks away first, dips his head down. I know he's thinking what to say. Soon, Randy will tell me that I'm not in trouble, he just wants to help me. Or maybe I am in trouble this time.

“What do you want to do?”

I didn't expect that. I expect a little more scolding before we reached this.

“I want to graduate high school.” That was the answer I was supposed to say.

Randy pressed his lips together and shook his dread locks a little. He exhaled. “What do you want to do about this-now-for this semester?”

So I'm quiet again. I don't know what he's really referring to. Do? I'll go to school, do my work and that's it. I hate this. Why am I being treated like the screw-up? It's not like I'm skipping. If this was how things were going to be, at least I would have had fun when I stayed home with Rae and Ben.

After a full two minutes of silence, Randy changes the subject. “How is Drew?”

“Good.”

“Anything new?”

“He's calling me 'sweetie' all the time now.” Oh crap- you're going to analyze that now. I don't want Randy knowing anything about our relationship. I wish he didn't even know I had a boyfriend.

“And that's a bad thing?” Randy seems confused.

“Well... it's just weird.”
Randy doesn't say anything and I can't figure out his expression. Maybe he thinks that means I'm messed up. Or that Drew is moving too fast. People always say teenage relationships move too fast.

“I mean... I'm not used to that.”

Again, no response from Randy.

“No one ever called me stuff like that.”

“Really?” Finally, Randy says something.

“Is that weird?”

“Well, when you talk to your dad, what does he call you?”

“Jemma? Jem, sometimes.”

“And your Aunt?”

“Jemma. Or 'hey you.'” I was joking. I hope that came out clearly.

“I wouldn't say it's weird. But it would be within the norm that throughout your life, especially in your childhood, you would be called by 'pet' names. Usually, as you reach your teen years the cute names become embarrassing.”

So basically, he's saying it is weird, the cutesy names should be ending now, not starting.

“Do you think its strange that Andrew calls you pet names?”

I didn't really think this was important enough to dwell on this long. “I guess not. I mean, at least its not like the really cheesy names other people use. I'm just not used to it from anyone. What do you think that means?”

The tension in the room had dissolved. I wiggle in the chair and Randy sits back against his. “I think it means he cares about you and wants to show his affection.”
“No. I mean what it means about me.”

“Oh.” Randy lets a sigh out, maybe louder than he meant. His face does that expression where he's being thoughtful, but still is casual. “Hearing your dad or grandfather refer to you as 'sweetie' wouldn't be the same to you as your boyfriend saying it.”

I nod a litte. That wasn't much of an answer.

“Do you say it back?” Randy asks me.

“No.” I'm honest, but terrified of what this might mean.

“That's normal, Jemma. Don't think you're messed up because you don't say it back.” Randy re-assured. I wonder if he's lying, though. Is it normal?

“When he says he loves you, do you say it back?” Randy asks.

“Yes.” My voice nearly squeaks, but I didn't realize I was nervous to answer this. Oh... I feel a pain in the bottom of my stomach. I won't answer any more questions about Drew. Thankfully, Randy doesn't ask anymore.

Randy buys me a soda and we come back to his office. I settle myself back into my seat.

“Can we talk more about school?” Randy asks.

I shrug.

“This is what I understand: your cousins got sick and you stayed home to watch them.”
Exactly. Don't see what else there is to talk about. “Yep.”

“Okay. What other options did you have?"
None. I lift my eyebrows, like I'm asking a quesiton, but not really.
"Your aunt?"
Work.  "She couldn't get a sitter in time." I lied. How can she work and also pay someone to watch her kids? She might as well just stay home from work.
"Did you call in to school, tell them you couldn't come?”

“No.”

“Do you think there are any other options, ones that don't result in you having to miss school?”
I thought we just went through this. I shrugged again. “Beth has to work.”
“I get that.” Randy was using some technique- acting like he was 'with' me. “But maybe a neighbor, grandmother, someone else who could stay with them?”
I don't even know my neighbors. And I think that my grandmother, Beth's and my mom's mom lives in another city. Anyway, I never really see her. She came for Christmas one year, like three years ago.

“There's not really anyone else.”
“So how can I help you not miss school?”
“They are better now.”
“Jemma, that's not a solution.”
“Well I don't know. You're the freaking counselor, you're supposed to have the answers.” I turn my head away, focusing on a poster on the wall.

“I want to work with you, not just make decisions for you.”

I call him a cuss word in my head. “Oh yeah, like I have a decision here.”

Randy got quiet. He waited a few minutes, which was good, because I calmed down a little.

“Besides next year-graduation, what do you want?”

“To finish this grade. Get on track with where I should be.”
“You have to complete your homework and come to school for that.”

“It's not like I'm not trying.” I suddenly felt sad.

“This isn't to make you feel bad. This is to know how to help you.” Randy started on his 'you're not in trouble' speech. I could feel it coming with how he leaned forward across his desk.

“What about extracurriculars? What are you interested in?”

“Huh?”

“After school stuff- sports, dance, music.”
“I'm into music.”

“Do you play anything? Were you ever in band, chior?"
I shake my head. "I like guitar." That's not offered in band.

“Want to learn?”

“What?”

“Do you know Mr. Evans?”
The not-too-bad looking history teacher- yeah, I knew who he was. “I had him last year for history.”

“He's offering to teach students guitar after school. Would you be interested in that?”

“Do I need to have my own guitar?”

“I don't think so. Do you want me to get a hold of him and sign you up?”

I nod. But I'm not too sure. But I really would like to take guitar lessons. That would be cool. Amazing, even.

“Jemma, I want to be clear about this- and Mr. Evans is a teacher here, too. If you are skipping school- or missing school- or aren't doing your homework, the lessons will stop. These are an incentive for you.”

Like a bribe to do my homework? Whatever, taking guitar lessons would be cool.

Ch3 Boys

I am warm, the sun is hitting my legs which are wrapped in a blanket. The sun isn't too bright, it lets me wake gradually, the best way. I open my eyes to the white ceiling, follow a trail down the wall to a few posters and the scratched door. There is a sizzling sound and I turn to see Drew is already awake, messing around in the kitchen. I sit up and stretch.

“Morning.” Drew calls over his shoulder. “No, don't get up. I'm making you breakfast.”

He comes over with a plate of scrambled eggs and toast and sets it in front of me on his shabby coffee table.

“Breakfast in bed.” I smile and wave my hands over the couch.

“Oh!” Drew rushes back with a glass of orange juice.

“Thank you.” I say seriously, looking at the nice breakfast he made for me.

The eggs are good, I just drained the juice when Drew's cell phone goes off, vibrating instead of ringing.

“Beth.” Drew says, handing it to me.

I press the 'ignore' button and set the phone on the coffee table. “I'll call her later.”

Drew smiles and tackles me on the couch, squeezing me tightly. “So what will we do with our day, then?”

“I'm okay to just stay here.”

Drew's apartment isn't anything fancy, too small for one person, really. His bed is a single bed, squished in the corner, he just has a small TV with basic channels- no cable. He's good about always having food in the place and isn't too messy, for a guy. But he never really cleans, like mopping or using cleaner on anything.

It's two in the afternoon before I call Beth back.

“Where the hell are you!” Beth screams in the phone.

“With Drew, obviously.” I'm calling from his phone, after all.

“And I don't have stuff to do? Dang it, Jemma, get back here! I need you to watch Ben!”

“F.... Fine!” I scream into the phone, but Beth knows what I really meant. “Twenty minutes, okay? Or are you gonna leave him alone at home?”

“Just get home!”

I hang up the phone.“Gotta go.” I tell Drew, but Beth had been yelling the the phone, so I'm sure he already heard everything.

“Anyways, I have to work in an hour, so I should get ready.”

“See you tomorrow?”
“Oh, actually, I am going to my parent's for lunch. Once a month, remember?”

Drew always eats lunch with his family once a month, sometimes more frequently. When Drew and I were first dating and he was in high school I came over for a dinner with his family. He never really had a girlfriend before me, so his mom wanted to meet me. I remember I was so nervous, I probably changed my outfit four times, wanting to look nice, but not too dressed up, wondering if I looked too sexy in my nice shirt, hoping I didn't look like a tramp. Finally, I just wore jeans and a regular T-shirt.

The first dinner was fine, quiet, lots of boring questions. Mr and Mrs. Simmons were nice, Mr. Simmons told me lame jokes and Mrs. Simmons asked like twenty times if I had enough food. It was the second dinner that did it.

I remember the conversation, the second dinner, very clearly. When Drew and I had been dating a while, a month or two before his graduation:

Drew's Mom, Mrs. Simmons: 'So, Jemma, what are you and Drew going to do when he goes off to college? Are you going to break up?'

I should have known from her 'break up' comment alone, she didn't approve of me.

Me: 'Uhh...'

I never got to answer. I have no idea what I would have said. What do you say to that?

Drew: 'I was meaning to tell you guys...'

Mrs. Simmons: 'Yes, my sweet and perfect son?' (okay, she didn't really say that).

Drew: 'I decided that I'm not going to college. I got promoted to be a manager and I'm looking into getting my own apartment. I should be moving out in July.'

Way to ease them into it, buddy.

Mr. and Mrs. Simmons looked beyond pissed.

I wanted to just evaporate into the floor.

Mrs. Simmons looked straight at me and shot bullets at me through her eyes, like I planned this whole thing and her son would have gone off to college if he hadn't been dating me.

The dinner didn't end well; after an awkward silence, they all started screaming. Except me, I just wanted to run out the door. Drew explained what he wanted to do and his mother insisted that he go to college. His dad was a little nicer, he suggested that after a year, Drew could starting college. Drew said he would think about it, but he wanted to make his own decision.

His mom kept demanding that he do whatever she wanted, like that was going to keep him home with her, or something.

Now, his mom insists on him eating with them at least one Sunday a month and she babies him like crazy. Their argument is over and done with, although she still believes that Drew is going to college for sure next fall. All of the anger from their argument didn't die, she just put it on to me. I've never been invited back for a dinner and I know Drew's mom thinks that somehow I'm to blame for Drew making his own choices and not her's.

I'm back home. Rae and Beth are out for the afternoon, running errands and getting Rae a hair cut. Ben and I go to the park for an hour. I play with him a little bit, pushing him on the swing. I make pictures in the sand until Ben gets thirsty and we head home.
Dad calls. “Hey, Jemma.”

“What's up?”

“Life. Pretty busy.”Dad always has news- a new job, a new apartment. Sometimes a new girlfriend. Thankfully, he never expects me to meet them. That would just be awkward.

He tells me about his weekend trip camping, fishing. He's working at a garage, helping to fix up cars. He knows a little, but this is teaching him plenty more and he likes it. Says he's making good money. He was really into barbecuing over the summer, and now he is all about making ribs and steaks at home. He tells me about the sauce he makes and how he cooks them. Really, I don't care, but I humor him.

“When are we gonna hang out again? You should come over here and I'll make you dinner!” He sounds so excited to cook for me.

“Tomorrow?”

“Sorry, Jem, that won't work. Next week Sunday?”

“Sure. Two o'clock?”
“See you here. Remember, buzzer number 235.”

“Got it.”

“You stick straight. You're on a good track.”

“Bye, Dad.”

Rae and Beth return, with Rae's hair in a short little bob that she keeps stroking. Beth bought groceries and I help her put them away. Rae and Ben are watching TV, Beth and I are in the kitchen.

Beth says to me in a loud whisper. “You and Drew aren't being stupid, are you?”

Way to come right out and say it.

“What?!”

Beth points to the living room. “I had Rae when I was 19. Don't be stupid.”

“Ugh, Beth!” I really don't want to talk about this with her.

I go into my room and slam the door. There's no lock on my bedroom door, so I just slam it. But I would lock it if I could.

Okay, I'll just say it. It's really stupid and embarrassing; but I've never had a 'sex talk'.

When I got my period I just looked in the cabinet and read the directions on the box.

I know, I know- I was supposed to learn in school. In school we had a class- the talked about diseases and how awful pregnancy was.

There was one class where this lady came in and gave this really long speech to just the girls about self-esteem and finding 'positive ways' to feel appreciated. She even had a bit for all of the girls without a father-figure, and how they are more likely to get knocked up or become sluts. Wow- that sure raised my self-esteem right there.

I know how you get pregnant, but, I don't know... the other stuff.

Steph explained oral sex to me when we were fourteen. I felt so embarrassed because I didn't get the joke that everyone else laughed at.

All Beth ever says is stuff about being safe and using condoms. I know about condoms, okay?

I just...I'm sixteen, I'm too old to ask any questions now.

Chapter 1a Introducing

Sometimes people ask me what my name means. Usually I say something about jewelry. But really, my mom did a lot of drugs- it's just a stupid name she picked when she was probably high, Jemma. Jemma Jane Elliot. Her name was Susan Elliot. I don't really want to talk about her.

Someone once told me that with a name like Jemma, they expected me to be prettier. Well, I can't help that. I'm not ugly or anything, I'm just not that fascinating, either. Straight, brown hair, brown eyes. I'm a little short, but I'm not chubby, either. One thing I like about myself are my eyebrows, I take a lot of work to keep them in a nice shape, but not make them thin lines. I don't wear much make-up, only some mascara. Okay, I use a lot of mascara- I like to make it look like I have long eyelashes.

I'm really lucky, I should be messed up because my mom took so many drugs. For some reason, I'm healthy and normal. I'm sixteen, but I'm behind a grade in school, because I missed so much school when my mom moved us around all the time. I lived with her until I was twelve, and I came to live with my aunt, Beth.

Beth is my mom's younger sister. But they're totally different. Beth is clean and takes care of her family. She's always saying that family has to take care of each other. Which is ironic, because it seems that she's the only one caring for her family; nobody helps her out. She has two kids, Rae, who's eight and Ben, who just turned six. Their dads aren't in their lives at all. Beth doesn't talk about it, but I think maybe she wants it that way. She would probably say that she doesn't want anything to do with those bastards again. I don't even know their names, it's just Bastard 1 and Bastard 2. She had Rae when she was nineteen... so that makes her 27 now. She seems older than that, though. She works with a temp agency. She used to work part-time, but now that Ben is in Kindergarten, she can work full-time. She just got a full-time position that lasts for a few months.

She gets money from me, too. Because I live with her, the government sends her a little money, but it's not much and she's got expenses. Rae's and Ben's dads don't help out, but she works hard and makes it happen, some how. I've lived with Beth for four years now. She's great. She lets me do pretty much whatever I want. And she took me in right away, I had a place to live with her.

I know my dad. I know there's some cliché that if you're mom's a druggie or you've got a different living situation you must not know your dad. No, I know my dad. He did some time in jail just after I was born, so my mom moved on. But he keeps in touch with me; he calls a few times a month. I can't ever call him back, the phone is always disconnected or it's a different number. We meet up, go to the park together. He's a nice guy. Not much of a dad, but at least he tries to stay in touch with me. Whenever I see him he gives me a few bucks, tells me to get clothes or cds. I don't expect that much from him, but if I didn't get his phone calls, I think I would miss him. He's a big guy, with a beard, looks tough, but he's really a softie. I'm his only kid, I think he's scared I'll get in trouble, too. Whenever we talk on the phone, just before he says 'good bye' he tells me 'stick straight', which is his way of saying, stay good, or something.
Beth has a boyfriend, James. He works out of the city a lot- a truck driver. He comes every week or so, plays with Rae and Ben. They like him and he's a good guy. He brings toys, so they think he's Santa Claus. Beth's been with him for two years or so now. And I know she thinks about having a life with him, sometimes she talks to me about it late at night when Rae and Ben are asleep. She's scared, though. She got messed up by Bastard 1 and Bastard 2.

My boyfriend's name is Andrew, or Drew. We've been together for about a year now. He's eighteen and graduated last year. He works as a manager of a sandwich shop. He lives on his own in this tiny little apartment with one room for the kitchen and bedroom and then the smallest bathroom ever. He's actually a pretty good cook, he makes me spaghetti and this chicken thing. Last year we were in high school together. He was this dorky kid who never took gym class and needed it to graduate. So he's this tall senior in with a class of younger kids. We were tennis partners. I know- so romantic, right?
We used to go on cheap dates, like to the dollar movie theatre or for burgers. Now, he's really busy working, so on the weekends he'll cook me dinner and I'll clean up his apartment for him as a date.

I'm not into sports, that's why Drew and I hit it off; we both sucked at tennis. We laughed at each other and tried to sit together on the sidelines as much as possible.

I like music. I wanted to be in band, or learn to play guitar, I would love to play guitar. But you've got to have extra money for instruments. Instead, I just really like listening to music. Now, instead of writing 'death poems' like in my emo phase, I write songs. But I never let anyone read them, not even Drew.

I'm actually pretty good at math, but no so much in English. Or in Spanish. The only time I like Spanish class is around some Latin-American holiday, when we don't do anything in class except eat tacos and break a pinata. I only have to take Spanish until the end of this school year, then I can take an art class or fashions or something.

I see my school counselor once a week. His name is Randy Roberts, he's a black man with a black beard, small round glasses and short dread locks that makes him look like teens could 'relate', or something. Usually, we don't talk about my life- by my choice. We talk movies, TV shows, that kind of thing. I don't mind meeting with him; it gets me out of class and he always buys me a soda.

“Bien Jemma.” Mr. Roe calls me in Spanish. He hands me a pass, to see Randy Roberts. I've requested to meet with my counselor at this time, just so I can get out of Spanish class. I take my time walking slowly down the hallway, stopping by the bathroom and water fountain before going into his office.

Randy always has music playing, usually jazz. And his office smells like cologne. And there are posters of famous people, like Martin Luther King, Jr., Ghandi and others on the walls.

“Good afternoon, Jemma.” He greets me with a smile. He's always actually happy, never faking it.

“Hi.” I take a seat on the comfy leather chair and drop my bag beside me on the floor.

“How are you?”

“Life is good.” I smile, but don't put much effort in it.

Randy smiles and studies my face, I watch his eyes slightly squint and move around to look for some message in my forehead or nose. We do some small talk about a television show we both watch. Then he asks about Drew.

“We're good.” My quick reply might have told too much.

“How serious are you two? You've been dating for a long time for kids your age. And he's not in high school anymore.”

Kids? Ugh... I hate that term. I shrug my shoulders.

“How does he feel about you?”

None of your business. I don't answer. Maybe Randy will change the subject.

“Well, then how do you feel about him? Do you love him?”

“Yes.” I respond, louder than I intended.

“Explain.” Randy invited, he never demanded.

I don't want to answer this. But then again, I also don't want Randy to analyse my non-answer as an answer. I'd better say something. I look up at the ceiling to gather the words into sentences. “Talking to him makes my day better. It's like... okay, corny- but he's my sunlight when it's cloudy.” I felt really silly to use that phrasing. Maybe I heard that once in a song.

Randy nods in a way that reminded me he was listening.

“He makes me feel really special. Like I matter.”

Randy nods again and looks intently at my face. I like that Randy never takes notes while we talk, I wouldn't come if I felt like I was in therapy or something. Usually this just feels like a nosy adult who knows too much about my life.

“Anyone or anything else in your life make you feel like that?” Randy inquires.

“I don't want to talk about Drew.” I state, stopping any further questions.

Randy didn't push it. “How are things at home?”

I don't really understand the question. Things are fine. I couldn't complain, and besides, things are looking up now that Beth has a somewhat steady job. “Good.”

“Jemma, I have some concerns.”

“Okay?”

“Well, you have been doing less and less homework as school goes on. I'm beginning to worry about your success academically. Can you identify any possible reasons for this?”

“I'm lazy.”

Randy pauses and does his little head-tilt, then shakes his head. “No. You're not.”

“I'm not reaching my potential?” I look for some cliché.

Randy smiles. “Maybe you're distracted.”

“Drew? Is that what you were getting at?” I was angry, my body posture immediately shifted and I raised up in the chair, sat up a little straighter.

Randy looks a bit hurt. “Jemma... I didn't mean that.” His voice stayed calm and soft. “Actually, I think that your relationship with Andrew is a very positive one for you. I was not insinuating anything in that area. What about at home?”
I put on a grumpy face. “I would just rather watch television, okay?”

Randy sighed. “Well, something needs to be done. I'm going to send a form home with you that your aunt needs to sign. She's going to check over your homework to determine that you've completed it each evening. You'll need to turn this into me.”

“Whatever.”

“Jemma.” Randy softened his serious face. He passes a sheet of paper across the desk. “If this doesn't start to change, each one of your teachers is going to get involved.”

I take the paper and shove it in my backpack.

“You're not in trouble. We just want to see you succeed and are willing to do what it takes to help you.”

“Well, thanks. Is my time up?”

Chapter 1b Introducing

It's Thursday, which means that Drew doesn't have to work until 6:00. That gives us two hours after I'm done school to spend time together. I never know where to meet him, sometimes he would come over to the house or meet me part of the way home from school. Today, he is waiting by the back doors when school ends. I give him a big hug and a long kiss when I see him. He is tall and since I'm shorter, he has to bend down to hug me. He lifts me off my feet. He looks thin, but he's really strong and lifts me like I weigh nothing. He has light brown hair that turns almost blonde in the summer time and is a shaggy length, some of it falling in his eyes. He does that cool head flip to throw it back. His voice is deep and his Adam's apple bobs a little sometimes when he talks.

“How was school?”

“Good-Mommy.” I joked.

We hold hands as we walk home.

“How was work?”

Drew just laughed, as he knew I didn't care.

“So, Beth got a new job.”

“That's good.”

“For like three months long. It's full-time.”

“Nice.”

“Yeah, she says that everything is going to be easier with this job.”
“Jemma, you shouldn't have to worry about that.”

I roll my eyes. “Right. I can wait until I'm eighteen like you and then I'll think about money.”

“You should just think about school.”

“Oh... yeah. I got this stupid paper that Beth has to sign to show that I did my homework every night. I'll just forge it. I always sign her name on school papers, they don't even know what her signature is.”

“What paper?”

“Because I haven't been doing my homework, my counselor gave me this paper for Beth to sign to show that I'm doing my homework. He says that if I don't improve, all of my teachers have to start doing something.”

“Why haven't you been doing your homework?” Drew sounded really concerned.

“Because I'm lazy.”

“You're the opposite of lazy, Jemma.”
Why won't people believe me when I say I'm lazy?

“Well, he also suggested that you were distracting me and we should spend less time together.” I joke, smiling up at Drew.

“Really, why haven't you been doing it?” He wouldn't let me lighten this up, but stuck to it so seriously.

I 'tsk' but don't answer. I already have Randy on me about this, I don't need anyone else.

“Fine. But I won't kiss you until you're done all your homework.” Drew put his index finger against my lips and gave me a stern look.

“I don't believe you!” I jump up, trying to reach him, but he straightened up and my meager jump came only to his shoulder. "Since when are you Mr. Responsible? I guess I forgot about your perfect grades."

“Really.” He looks at me. “You need to do your school. It's early in the school year, you can't be sick of it already.”

“Whatever.” If he didn't drop it I was going to bring out my major ammunition- that his job didn't require any more than a high school education. That ought to win it.

Rae and Ben are waiting on the porch steps when I come home.

“I'm gonna tell Mom that you're late again!” Rae dared.

“Fine.” I said, unlocking the door. "Want to be even later? I can walk around the block."
Rae stuck out her tongue at me and marched past, stomping her feet. I had come home right after school today. The elementary school is just closer.

I make a snack for the kids, crackers and cheese and juice. I clean up the dishes and sort the mail. It was mostly flyers, which I throw away.

“What should we have for dinner?” I ask Drew, hoping that he would offer to cook, since he is better at it than me. Drew peered in the freezer and decided on chicken nuggets. I could have baked those in the oven myself.

“Homework.” Drew pointed to the table, while he started making a salad.

Rae had some homework, simple math. I help her with that.

I don't want to start on my own, because I have homework from previous days that I have to make-up, in addition to my homework from today. Finally, while Rae colors and Ben watches cartoons, I start on my own homework. I finish the assignments from Tuesday by the time Beth comes home and just as Drew was about to leave.

Beth greets Drew and thanks him for preparing dinner. She shoots me a look which says, “weren't you supposed to do that?” Did it matter? Dinner was made.

“This sucks. I didn't get any time with you!” I whine as Drew leaves. I walk with him outside.

“It's okay, I'll see you on Saturday.”

I lean in to kiss him. He shakes his head. “Homework's not done.”

“Jerk!” I punch him in the arm. “Well, now I don't even want to kiss you.”

Beth likes her new job and says her first day went well. The only thing is, she might not be home most days until around 5:30 or later, which means that I have to be home from school right away every day to watch Rae and Ben.

I wash the dishes and go back to my pile of homework. I've completed everything through Wednesday when I start to get sleepy.

6:00 am, awake again. Same morning routine. I arrive at school with ten minutes and rush through my homework. I manage to get all but my math homework done by the time homeroom ends.

I forge Beth's initials on the form and go to Randy's office on my way to my first class.

“That was easy.” Randy says, accepting the form.

“Surprised?”

“Actually, yes. But glad you proved me wrong.” Randy responded. I wonder if he suspected that either it wasn't Beth's signature, or if I had fooled Beth into thinking I really did my homework. But he didn't ask further, so I didn't say anything.

Steph and I have English class together and we sit next to each other whenever the teacher doesn't demand that we separate. Steph is boy-crazy and always talking about who is hot and who she wants to date next. She didn't actually have that many boyfriends, she just imagines them. If a boy talks to her on the phone, she imagines they are a couple. But even she knows this, she admits it.

Today Steph likes Ethan Merris. She's hoping he'll ask her to the Fall dance.

“You don't need a date.” I remind her. Dances were more fun when you just went with your friends, anyway.

“I need Ethan to be my date.” She corrected. “I just need to get him to ask me. Let's sit across from his table at lunch, okay?”

I don't care. I'm interested in any of the guys. Steph always makes fun of me, that I like older men. And I always correct her: just Drew.

“Are you going to go with Drew?”

“I don't think so. He usually has to work on Friday nights.” Lame. Friday night was every one's date night, but my boyfriend always has to work.

“Boo.” Was Steph's only response.

School ends with a loud ring and a stampede out the doors. It is Friday, everyone wants to be home as soon as possible, including the teachers.

Rae and Ben are again waiting on the steps.

“Late.” Rae greets me, with far too much attitude for someone eight years old.

“Brat.” I reply.

She sticks her tongue at me.

Ben shows me the picture he drew in school- a green scribble with glitter and some shape stickers in random places. “Oh, how sweet. I'll put in on the refrigerator.”

“No. It's for you.”

“Okay, then I'll hang it on the wall in my room.” Ben seems satisfied with this.

I listen while Rae reads a small book to me, helping her with some of the words. I sign off on the parent sheet to show that she read it and turn the television to cartoons for her.

I dump some soup from a can into a pot on the stove for dinner.

Beth comes home just before 6:00 pm, bringing with her some burgers. We all eat dinner together. Beth is in a good mood, James is supposed to be coming this evening. She gets all dressed up, I help with her hair.

James arrives to take Beth on a date. I stay at the house with the kids.

Drew calls. “Hey sweetie.”

“Who is this?”

“Jemma.” Drew says, irritated.

“Sorry. It's just that you said 'sweetie.'”

“Get used to it.”

“But it's weird for me.”

Drew sighs. “Most people refer to people they care about with affectionate names.”

“La-dee-da.”

“Hey Jemma.” Drew does his thing where he just re-starts the whole conversation.

“Well hello, Drew.”

“So, did you finish your homework?”

“What is with you!” I got a little too defensive. But I did find it annoying.

“I just want you to do good in school, that's all. What's your dad say- 'stay straight'? That's part of it.”
“Stick straight.” I mumble, correcting him.

“Exactly. And you didn't answer my question.”
“Not yet.” I whisper.

“Hmm?”

“Not yet.” I say louder, irritated. “Not due until Monday.”
“Tell you what.”

I wait.

“If you finish it tonight, I'll come by after work and we can have a midnight date.”
“Really!” I feel silly to be this excited.

“Sure. I should by by around 12 or 12:30.”

Drew knew I couldn't lie to him, he would know if I had completed my homework or not.

I watch television with Ben and Rae, get them ready and in bed by 9:30. I read Ben a story to help him fall asleep- something about a horse and a cow who were friends. Rae is already asleep when I check on her and turn off the lights.

I really do want to see Drew, so I start on my homework and finish everything by 11:30. Maybe I didn't do my best effort, but everything was done.

Drew calls at 12:00, saying he is on his way over. Too bad Beth isn't back yet.

I change for my date, putting on a little make-up and changing into a nicer top.

Drew comes at 12:20, smiling when he sees me. He gives me a kiss right away. “I wanted to do that.”

“Hey! You're the one with the new rule.” I remind him. He hugs me and kisses me again.

“Ready?” He asks.

“No. Beth's not back yet.”

“So?”
"So, I can't just leave the kids."
"But they aren't your kids." He sounded a little whiny.

Drew lived with his parents until he turned 18. His parents had a rule that after he graduated he either had to go to college or move out. He didn't go to college, so he moved out. But he had lived with his parents his whole life before then, he didn't know what it was like to live with a relative, to have responsibilities like babysitting.

Beth comes back around 1:00 am. She is giddy and laughing loudly. She was a little surprised to see me still awake. James greets me with a hug and we have small talk about where James had driven to this week.

I introduce James to Drew.

“Well, we're going to go out now.” I tell Beth.

“Have fun!” She says happily as we head out.

I hear James ask Beth “You let her bring boys in here at night?” just as we leave. I don't hear Beth's reply, but I hope she defended me. It wasn't like a different guy was here each week.

We go to just about the only place still open at 1:30 in the morning and within walking distance. We have hot chocolate and then go to Drew's apartment. It is a short walk to the subway and Drew's place is only two blocks from a subway station.

“Do you like living with Beth?” He asks, casually, I think.

No one has ever asked me that before.

I huff, breathing air out my nose. “We've been together for a year, you've never asked me that before.”

Drew shrugged.
“Well, yeah.”

“Yeah you like living with her?”

“Sure. She's cool. Where else would I live?” I don't mean to sound that casual, Beth is actually wonderful to live with; she doesn't move every three months, she has furniture and there is always food. And, even better, Beth isn't all strict or like other adults. She lets me do what I like.

It is a quiet Friday night, a few cars, mostly taxis, rushing by. A drunk or two slumped in a corner. A girl working the street; half in the shadow, half under the street lights. A group of girls, all dressed up with heels and too much make-up giggle as they walk past- tipsy.

I feel safe with Drew. If I walked here by myself, I would have walked quickly and stayed in the light as much as possible. But he is tall and holds my hand while we walk and I don't have to hurry.

We cuddle on the couch and watch a movie on TV. Some action movie that Drew wanted to see. The last thing I remember was the lead role jumping out of a car just before the car exploded with bright orange flames flying everywhere.

A Peak

Sometimes I imagine that my life is a reality TV show. I have cameras always following me around, documenting my life. I have a small closet with a single camera to disclose everything. I pretend I'm being interviewed. Basically, I just pretend that someone out there cares enough to watch my boring life.

Ultimately, it's just my imagination.

In reality, I'm returning from school. It's mid-October, chilly with a sharp wind. The trees have all turned a muddy-brown shade and everything is starting to look ugly. In the mornings, I can see my breath in the air. Right now, my nose is getting a little cold- that itching feeling that I hate. I rub my nose to keep it warm.

I skip two of the wooden steps as I reach the door. It's a duplex house, white and boring. The first neighbors had flowers on their part of the porch, but the new neighbors have nothing to show that anyone even lives there, except for the white blinds in the windows that are always down. I don't even know who the neighbors are, I never hear a noise from that side. Our front porch is pretty clean, it's the back yard that shows that people live here- a lawn chair, two bikes, the recycling that keeps piling up and never actually recycled. We keep the front porch clean, but mostly that's out of security to keep items from being stolen than anything to do with pride.

The house is dark- the heavy curtains blocking out any natural light and all other indoor sources turned off. It feels stuffy, so I open a few windows to let in fresh air. With the chilly breeze streams in the street noises; a few cars honking in the rush-hour traffic, a distant siren and people yelling down the street.

I call “Hello!” but there is no reply.

Ben and Rae are sitting totally hypnotized, in front of the television. I come closer beside them and get their attention.

“Where's Beth?”

“She left a little while ago.” Rae responds.

Hopefully Rae means about two minutes ago. But I'm not going to get into that.

“What would you guys like for dinner?”

They both cheer “Macaroni!” in unison. That's my specialty- macaroni and cheese and hot dogs.

I leave them to watch their cartoons and start boiling water.

Steph calls while I'm grilling the hot dogs. She's complaining that her mom refuses to let her spend the night at her older friend's house. Almost all of Steph's friends are older, I'm the only friend she has in her grade. But even I'm old for my grade, so maybe that doesn't count. I listen to Steph complain, and agree with her in all the right places. We gripe about the same English teacher and her bad breath. Steph's mom demands that she get off the phone and eat dinner, so we say good-bye. I'll see her at school tomorrow.

Before seven o'clock, Beth returns. She comes in with plastic shopping bags on her arms and dumps them on the kitchen table.

“Hey there.” I can't figure out her tone- either she's stressed and trying to hide it under poorly acted cheerfulness, or she's a little pissed off.

I give a weak grin.

“So where were you?” She demands. So, she's pissed off. “I had to leave the kids because I couldn't wait for you anymore.”

“Sorry.” I don't offer an excuse. I don't have one- I just stayed with friends after school to hang out.

“Well that's nice, but it doesn't help me when I need to go somewhere! I can't leave an eight year old in charge!”

Yet, you did. I stop it before it rushes out of my mouth, not the right response. “So, what did you buy?” I ask, changing the subject to the contents of the bags.

“A few clothes, some house stuff.”

“The occasion?” I inquire. We're practically a first-of-the-month house, as in we only have money on pay-days, but it's not really welfare money, so the term doesn't exactly fit.

Beth smirks to show that she's proud of herself. “I got a full-time position for a little while.”

So, she's celebrating. But she didn't go overboard. She just got a few new things- shirts for Rae, new shoes for Ben, perfume for herself and some candles for the house.

Drew calls. He just finished work, we talk for a little while. He wants to take me to a concert next month. I would love to go, but I'm not going to get my hopes up. He would try, I know that, but he's living on his own now and I don't want him to think he has to do it for me. Maybe I could get the money for my own ticket. We argue about it and he pulls out the 'I'm the man' comment which irritates me, but also makes me smile a little that he wants to be chivalrous or whatever.

He says 'I love you' before hanging up. It's something he just started. We've told each other 'the three words' before, but only at special times, not on a nightly basis. I say it back, feeling a little silly, like a girl with a crush.

Beth tells me about her new position; a receptionist. She answers phones and takes notes and copies things. Office work, so she needs to dress nice. We pick out a few cute outfits for her to wear and decide that she needs to buy a new pair of black dress shoes, the ones she has are too worn out.

I clean up the kitchen and wash a few dishes, but leave a small pile in the sink when I start to get sleepy. My backpack is still on the floor in the living room, I never even looked at any of my homework, but it's too late now.

I wake up at 6:00 am. I've gone through a few phases already- my 'emo' phase, where I wore tons of black clothes and wrote morbid poetry. I wasn't depressed, I just wanted to be in a 'feel sorry for me' club. It was stupid. And then I went through a diva phase where I always had painted nails and would wake up early and curl my hair or put lots of make-up on. Now I just shower and let my hair dry in it's natural, straight state. I don't wear much make-up, anything that takes less than a minute, which usually means eyeliner and mascara. I get dressed, same jeans as yesterday and hunt for my matching purple sock before I give up and just wear plain white socks.

Then I get Ben and Rae up. I send them both in to splash water on their faces, helping them to open their eyes and 'wash the sleep away' as Beth says. I pick out clothes for Ben, and make sure that Rae is dressed in something suitable. She wants to wear a skirt to school, I argue with her that it's too cold and she whines before putting pants on.

We're all eating cereal when Beth comes out. She makes some quick lunches for Ben and Rae- applesauce, sandwich and granola bar for each. She kisses Ben and Rae on the foreheads before they rush out the door. I walk with them two blocks, where they meet their school bus. Some other parents are waiting there with their kids, one of the moms knows Rae and smiles at me. I wave good-bye and head across the street to walk to my school.

In the winter, I'll take the bus. But it takes almost the same time to walk as to take the bus, and I hate standing around and waiting. When it gets really cold, I'll stick with the bus and not walk through the snow.

I get to school with about ten minutes to spare. I don't go to my locker, I never really use it anyway. Homeroom is open, so I grab my seat and attempt to get a little homework done before I go to my first class.

Intro

I get ideas for stories as if I'm watching it as a movie. Scenes jump into my head and play out. If I don't start to write, I'll lose it. There's this energy that comes with it- I remember staying up late into the night when I was only 12 years old or so, because I had an idea for a story and I couldn't sleep until I had poured it all onto paper.

This story flowed through me for nearly a week. I wrote whenever I had a chance. I had to write. The character was so real to me, her life and her reactions just naturally came out as I typed. She is fictional, but not completely invented. She is the collaboration of many youth I have counseled, worked with, mentored, or met at some time.
I've tried to write this through her eyes. Like snap-shots of how she sees the world. You meet her as you meet any real person, with present-day experiences and some mundane parts of life, like school and chores. You only learn about her past as she begins to trust the reader, or when she has break-downs. She's not an ideal, she's not an example. She might make bad choices. I'm not condoning her. She's just a teenager.

I used to be really embarrassed to let people read my writing. Maybe I'm just wanting to take more chances. Maybe I'm proud enough of this that I want to share it. Either way, I'm actually posting the book to be read.
I would love your feedback in comments on the blog. Each post will probably be a chapter- or a portion of a chapter. Be honest. Be rude. Critique me. Tell me what parts you like, what you don't understand. Guess at the next chapter, suppose what she'll do. Analyze her issues. Become a character in the story. Anything will be helpful.
Also, I'm not set on the title of the story, if you have an idea, feel free to post it as a comment.

Keep reading here, as  I am going to slowly put the chapters as posts here on the blog.