Chapter 7 Broken Glass

It takes forever to get home after midnight on the bus. I have to wait at the corner for twenty minutes before my last bus came. The bus only has eight other people on it; all sitting silently like they are asleep or zombies, looking straight ahead with unblinking eyes. The worst is walking the three blocks home by myself. I walk quickly, because it's cold, and yes, because I hate walking alone at night. I don't see anyone else walking down the sidewalk, but a few cars drive by slowly. I get home at one in the morning. The house is quiet. Too quiet. The kitchen light is still on. Beth never leaves lights on. I peak in Beth's bedroom- she's not there.

I'm angry. Fuming. Nearly crying I'm so angry. Ben and Rae are both fast asleep in their beds. I want to slam their doors, but I shut them quietly. I go out to the front porch without a jacket, to let the cold air hitting my face and arms calm me down.

I call James' cell number, but there is no answer. I look for a note somewhere on the table, but there's nothing. I sit in the dark kitchen, shaking with how mad I am. I start crying, just a little. The kind that makes your throat burn and your jaw tight. I call Jame's number four more times before I throw the phone across the room. It hits the couch and then the floor. I leave it there. I just finished crying when Beth comes back. It's two in the morning.

“Where the hell were you!” I scream, my voice cracking. I don't even care if I wake up Rae and Ben.

“Shh!”
“NO! There is no reason, ever to leave them alone!”
“Calm down. You were coming back, I just went out for a little while and they were already asleep.” She speaks quietly, calmly, as if it is no big deal.

“Wrong!” My face is hot and my mouth is dry. I'm standing, just in front of her, screaming in her face. "I didn't come home until one.”

"Damn, Jemma! You lied to me!"

"Me!"

"Yes! You said you would be back! You left your cousins alone!"

That's your response? I scream a curse word and go to my bedroom. I can't even talk to Beth, I'm so angry. My throat is burning again, but I'm now too mad to cry. So I just scream into my pillow until I tire myself out and finally fall asleep. Good thing I was already tired, I would have never been able to sleep otherwise.

In the morning, as soon as I get up, I go to Drew's. I can't even talk to Beth, I just ignore her. I bring a change of clothes and lock the door behind me. I don't want to be back until Sunday night, but I'm afraid. I don't want Rae and Ben left alone again.

I didn't call Drew first, I just hoped he would be home. And that he would be alone. I was right about one- he was home. He buzzes me up and greets me at the door, giving me a long kiss.

But he's not alone. Mark and his girlfriend, Julia are there. They are eating lunch and Julia is picking out some music. I take a seat beside Drew and nibble off of his plate. I want Mark and Julia to leave, but they are just hanging out and being nice, so I can't really demand that they leave when it's not even my place. After about an hour of making small talk, they leave and I get to be alone with Drew.

I lean against him on the couch. “Can I sleep here tonight?”

“Sure.” He kisses me on the forehead. “You alright?”

“Could you tell?”

Drew smiles. “You didn't talk enough to try to make them want to stay. But they're okay, I don't think they'll mind.”

He moves around so the his body is circling mine. “What's going on?”

“Beth left Rae and Ben alone last night.” I feel like I'm going to cry again. “I came back and they were asleep in their beds, but Beth wasn't there.” The tears form in my eyes and I stop talking, stop thinking about it. I hold my breath and open my eyes wide to keep the tears from over-flowing.

“Were they okay?”

I nod, unable to speak in case I start crying. And then it doesn't matter, because I am crying. Sobbing like a baby in Drew's shoulder. So much for my make-up. Now Drew has faded black streaks on his T-shirt.

“Beth's a good mom.”

I nod, but he can't see it. I know she is. She's not like my mom. “It just scares me.”

Drew pulls me close.

I spent too many nights alone. My mom might be there, maybe she'd be sober, maybe she would stay the whole night. Sometimes she'd be at the apartment, but she'd be high. I might wake up and she'd be gone. Or fall asleep and wake up in the middle of the night when she came home. It was terrifying, being alone all the time. Some of the places we stayed, I could hear everything through the walls- our neighbors yelling. Or I couldn't sleep because we had no curtains and the street light blazed in my face.

Ben was just a baby and Rae was really little when I moved in with Beth. Beth was always home with them. She was such a good mom. She didn't work then, she couldn't. I wonder if my mom was with me, too, when I was a baby. Did she take care of me all the time? I wasn't malnourished or really unhealthy. Maybe she was a good mom for the first few years of my life. Beth made sure I went to school every day and she helped me with my homework. It wasn't hard to adjust to life with Beth. Living with my mom had prepared me to adjust to anything. But it took my mind a while to really believe that I could live there and stay with her- that I wasn't moving again.

Drew hugged me while I finished crying, rubbing my back gently. He handed me some toilet paper, since he didn't have any tissues. That made me laugh and helped me to come back to the world. I feel so pathetic.

“So, not that you had anything to do with it- but where were you last night?”

"At a party."
"Oh."
"It wasn't like a crazy one or anything."
"Beth didn't care?"
"No."

"Drew, I didn't do anything. I had like one drink before Steph and I had to leave."
"Fine. You're still a kid, its what you do at that age."
"Shut it. You're not all mature. I deserve to have fun, just because you have to work every Friday night doesn't mean I have to sit at home alone."
"Fine. Go get drunk."
I didn't have time to respond, Drew cut in again. "I'm sorry. You're upset."
"It's fine."
"I just love you and get worried when I hear about stuff like that."
I swallowed, barely stopping a response. "Love you, too."

I call home and tell Beth that I'm spending the night- but really, it's to make sure Beth is there with Ben and Rae. I ask about her day and nudge a little to find out if she is going out tonight. She and James are taking the kids to a movie. “The whole family” She says.

Drew and I go on a real date- something we haven't done in ages. We go see a movie. We come back late, hungry. Drew makes me an awesome dinner in the middle of the night- fried fish and homemade french fries. He shouldn't work as a manager, he should open his own place.

His bed is small, but we lay together, squished beside one another. “I love you, I really do.” He tells me, touching my cheek and hair with the tips of his fingers.

“ I know.” I say. That seems more right to say than repeating the words back.

“ You like to stay here, don't you?”
“ I love being with you!” I cuddle against him.

“ No, I mean- do you like being here better than at Beth's?”
I don't answer, I just rest my head against his chest and hear his heart beat. I hope Ben and Rae aren't alone. I should have stayed there tonight. But then I turn to see Drew's face, the outline of his nose in the dark. No, I'm glad that I'm here with him.

I wake up, my neck stiff and cocked to the side because the pillow fell off the bed and onto the floor. It's going to ache for a while this morning. Drew is still dead asleep, and I'm stuck against the wall, unable to wiggle out without waking him. He opens his eyes. “Good morning, sweetheart.”

“I have to get up!” My bladder was going to explode.

As nice as it was to lay together, after you get out of the bed, you can never find the same position again- the moment is ruined. Drew sat up and pulled the blanket around his shoulders and invited me to sit next to him on the bed.

“Want to have Thanksgiving with my family?” Drew asks.

I'm shocked, really. I haven't seen them since the one, terrible dinner. I saw Drew's dad once, when we went to a carnival, but there have been no more dinners.

“Really?”
“Yeah. I want you to come.”

“I think your mom hates me.”

Drew knew it was true. "She does not!”

"Yeah!"
"Really! Please?"

“Does your mom know?”
“I'll tell her.”
“Before we show up for dinner?”
“Yes.” But I know he was thinking to try it.

Instead of staying at Drew's another night, we went back to my house together. Drew and I walked right in together. Beth was there with the kids, she didn't say anything about Drew being over. We went to my bedroom for a while, later that night Drew went back to his apartment. I didn't talk to Beth the whole day, and she didn't leave the house, either.

English class. “You all did very well on your analogies. They were creative and effective. I really appreciated some, I've given you comments. There is one I want to read for you that I thought was especially well-written.” Mrs. Billings pulls out a small piece of paper and begins reading:

"Trust is a clear, crystal box. I've carried it with the hard, sharp edges against my arms until it was too heavy. It fell and shattered into tiny, clear pieces that cut my hands as I search for them. I'll never piece it back together."

That's mine. I wrote that. After class, Mrs. Billings stops me before leaving.

“Jemma- I was very impressed with your analogy. When I read something like this, I see that you are quite capable. I would like to talk about some options for helping you to pass this class.”

“Thank you.” I say, picking up my returned assignment- graded as one-hundred percent.

“I would like to meet with you and your parents, Wednesday evening, if I could.”
“Aunt.” I mutter.

“What?”

“You would meet with my aunt.” I state.

“Oh. Alright. I would like to meet with you and your aunt to come up with some options. How does six o'clock sound?”

“I'll tell her.” I turn to leave.

“Jemma.” I stop in the doorway and turn back to Mrs. Billings. “Please understand that I am offering you an opportunity to perhaps pass this class. Don't take it for granted.”
I nod, but I don't think there is much chance of me passing now.